Me in My Little Lost World

2012-01-24T23:44:00.005+08:00

it almost feel like just another weekend. cny holidays are over before i knew it.

i have some work that i m supposed to do, but i am very reluctant.

so here i am on the net, trying find things to do according to how i feel

ended up reading some old wapp logs i have sent to my email.

3 months into the official rship.

feeling really emotional now. doesnt help that i misses him but hes bz w mj.

come to think of it, wtf is wrong w me.

when i first met him, i know what kinda lifestyle he leads.

to be fair, he changed for the better (less drunk,watches his drinking) whereas me, i m the one who changed my mindset since the beginning. :(

i tried to force my logic into him.

i was reading back at the convo we had. i was ok w him partying, staying out late. but nowadays, i just keep picking a fight like a emo bitch.

he used to be so sensitive to my feelings, that a short answer from me will trigger him to ask if i m ok. and he will say, "u know i am always worried if you are ok"

i pushed it to a pt where, hes no longer sensitive to my feelings, almost like, its expected that i will be upset abt the thing and he just keeps quiet abt it. run away and avoid confrontations.

wtf is wrong w me.

do i really expect change to keep coming from him?

most of the time, i m just concerned. too concern but refusing to believe that he chose wat he wants to do and no one can change that. but trying to incept my idea into his head just increase the friction between us.

so the magic qn now is, wat now?

i m so scared of making him upset. i can try, but it may backfire. stubborn me. i write everything on my face, happy, unhappy.

i hate any forms of friction between us, be it big big fight or cold war. nowadays theres a new pattern, that is going to sleep and not fight n next day just pretend nothing happened. i m not sure if that is a good idea, because i m worried abt bottled up resentment.

i m starting to wonder if he complains abt me to anyone, like he used to complain abt hi ex-es. and i am wondering if he starts to keep things from me cos its not beneficial for him.

am i still perfect in his eyes? m i still the girl he fell in love with after a good trip? one whos fun loving, happy and silly instead of a naggy, emo bitch.

i love this man. sometimes i look at him when hes not noticing, i want to tell him how i feel, but somehow everytime i just end up crying. i don wan to cry. i don wan to fight. i don want him to do things for me cos i said is right.

so, what now? can we go back to the honeymoon phase? Or am i just in denial that its already over. maybe its not. i need to find a way to get me out of this.

tis blackhole.

2011-12-12T21:42:00.001+08:00

Just today, i was there for you, cheering you up because of the so called mis understandings with your friend.

When your friend is unreasonable, i am more angry than you are.

I don't care what he says about me. But 我替你感到不值。

Your exam, you asked me to remind you to study. When i do, you gets upset.

Every late night you stay, the next day you will tell me you are tired, cannot focus.

i worry for your work.

i worry that if you are not going to make it, you will give up on yourself.

i worry when you tell me you don feel well even if you sleep alot.

shouldnt i be?

i worry about you being tired, so most of the time if possible, i dont trouble you to send me home. even tho its a freaking 20 bucks cab home or one hour train ride home.

is it better if i don say anything at all?

Does it make u happy that u can do whatever you want and no one make noise abt it?

if i love u, shd i just let u do whatever that you like even though its not good for you in the long run?

shd i just shut up?

hahaha. i really dunno.

why are we always fighting abt the same thing?

from the first time we fight, u told me u love me so much u don wan to hurt me again and you want to try to stop drinking.

"i have my limit too" so you say.

so do i.

but i push my limit again and again. because i keep telling myself its worth it. and i need to be patient.

i m not always bringing up all these to show that i am so great, i can forgive. i just want you to remember that despite everything that happened between us, you are the goal at the end of my rainbow, like you always used to say.

everytime i cared about you but got shot in my own foot, i ask myself WHY.

like why when i know the outcome is the same but i still want to do it.

i can spend the time reading more. i can spend the time with my family. i can do more things for my mom. i can go shopping.

despite every bit of patience i have for you, everytime i just got a door shut in my face when you are annoyed. every single time.

i m tired.

tired of wanting everything to work out.

tired of believing.

tired of crying everytime u shut me out

tired of being extra nice but not appreciated.

tired of you getting upset at me because of how i care for you.

everytime i see our travel photos together w my teary eyes, they just appear black n white..i remember how happy we were, but i cant feel it now i m in hell.

i need to take a break from everything for abit. for now. but i will not stop loving you.

i need to find myself that was lost in the world that evolved ard you. i need to start loving myself.

i m not great. and i m just not saint. because, i m just a simple woman.

Relationship insanity is doing all of those things and continuing to expect to get a different result - that is looking to be the exception.

2011-12-04T19:38:00.002+08:00

a few more hours. i be turning 26.

this yr is quiet. so quiet that i m very not used to it.

no multiple celebrations. no big party.. no wasted. (altho i got wasted at stella's party). no drama. no big $$.

but i m looking forward to dinner w him tomorrow :)

i met my sec sch friends last week & meeting stella coming tues. i guess i m contented. :) i hope to meet up w others too, like weiling, irene and kailin etc, but i think they are so bz~ aiya.. no need to purposely meet up to celebrate la. its 26, no biggie. :)

next yr, i wanna be away for my bday. to somewhere w snow. provided the world is not coming to an end yet.

e past one yr has been amazing.

a more tamed life. i still party. but not as much. even if i do, i drink much lesser than before.

i feel more homely. slp more, i tink.

most imptly, i feel a lot of love.

spend alot of time at his place just hanging out.

he cut down alot of drinking lately. rest more according to how his body feels. i hope hes happy these new changes though. i know its not easy for him to tame down.

hes more receptive to things that i tell him these days and i really appreciate that.

we have been more stabilise for the past one yr. although we still have big big big fights. but the smaller ones are almost gone for good.

it felt as if his love for me is the only thing that i need to keep me breathing. i know how insane this sounds.

i havent bought a present for myself! :(

happy birthday to myself.

i hope it will be smooth sailing for me and my friends in the coming year. lets hope that the world is not coming to an end so soon. there are still so many places i want to see..

oh~ and i wish i can be less emotional from time to time too. so irritating. tsk.

2011-11-24T09:56:00.003+08:00

i miss japan..

everyday.. :(

so many places i wan to go. so many constraints.

just cant seem to find the balance between work responsibility. $$. time. and the desire to see the world

and by the world, i mean somewhere out of asia. where everyone always go to during holidays.

i want to go paris, i want to go US.

2011-11-17T16:22:00.002+08:00

i m always the one who organise bday dinner for my close friends.

but when its my bday, no one bother. this is so sad. 2 weeks to go. not looking forward.

2011-10-14T09:59:00.002+08:00

this morning in the lift, i saw a daddy carrying his 3 - 4 yr old daughter. her head on resting on her daddy's shoulder, from behind it looks like shes aslp. only when they exit the lift, i saw tt she was actually bright awake. looking really sleepy and lazy, sucking her pacifier.

reminds me of the days when i was younger, may same age as her, i pretend to be asleep on the bus so that my dad will piggyback me home.

every weekend, he will bring me to the science center, again and again, seeing the same things. if not, he will bring me to bukit batok to swim.

life was so simple and happy.

i look at the old man sitting on the couch beside my mom these days, noticed his frail body and white hair.

why cant i let them know i love them the way they love me?

why cant i be patient w them like how they were patient w me when i was younger?

sometimes there will be thoughts of them leaving me soon enuff. that thought always make my heart sinks, i will quickly brush away tt tot, cos i cant imagine how painful i will feel. remorse & regret.

i m scared, but i just don bother to remind myself day to day to talk to them, care about them or just being at home.

i m a much homely person these days, because of a lot of reasons. but i will just be in my room playing my my comp.

i stay up in the middle of the night worrying about my bf who doesnt go home, but not thinking about them whos not feeling well in just another room.

sigh.

i will constantly remind myself to talk to them nicely in the next 2 days.**

on another note, my new work is doing ok.

crunch period.

other than the workaholic boss of mine who give me last min work at 6 pm and expect me to haev no plans & stay OT till 10 pm. -_- otherwise, i have to come to work early. like 7 am.

Colleagues are nice, so far. so all's good. looking forward to my getaway & bonuses! :P

**

i find myself talking too much to myself these days. whenever i m troubled, i will sleep it away. unlike last time, i will text my gfs. nowadays its so frequent and small tt i dont bother to disturb others anymore.

2011-09-24T02:36:00.001+08:00

the most common thing i hear frm you lately is
"i just want us to be happy together"

yes, i agree its a simple intention.

it just means, u + me = happiness

but sad to say, there is no happy button tt we can press to make it happen at the snap of your fingers.

tonight, after some drinks, he snapped again.

it was quite mild. most of the time the things he said make me HUH??

like he can smile sweetly at me the minute before, the next minute he was slamming glasses and bottle on the table.

i was scared.

i asked myself, did i provoke him? no, i didnt. quite sure of that.

but why did he had tt look, that resent look towards me. like, why are u here and giving me a black face. and he asked me what do i want from him. like out of the blue.

i just kept quiet while trying to keep a straight face. cos when i tried to speak, he raises a finger over his mouth and gesture for me to keep quiet.

this time, compared to the previous time, it was considered mild.

he did recover and we went back home together.

but things like these.

how do u expect me to be cheerful abt it?

i was telling myself since the fighting on tues and wed night, that yes, i need to be contented, like what everyone told me to.

we love each other. have plans for future. and hes generally nice to me. except when hes drunk or being provoked.

i need to accept the fact that altho i can accept tt drinking hobby, i must try and not be selfish , since its smth he lieks to do.

so i went tonight. thinking that for one night he can go w ease without checking his hp too much.

ended up he got angry and depressed over i dunno what.

i know loving him will not be easy. but i m not sure if i m prepared for long term turmoil like this. or maybe its just a transition stage.

its like u take a step forward so that it can lessen his burden to change for us, but he push u back.

2011-09-04T03:30:00.002+08:00

回家的路上，眼泪一直留下来。

也不知道为了什么。

脑海里就一直出现伤心的歌。。。。。。寂寞寂寞就好。。温柔。。突然好想你。 Almost here.

心揪在一起..

折腾了天，终于还是自己陪自己。。

我好讨厌我自己。

我没有嫌你改变的不够多。。而是气我自己为什么以为你会为我做些什么。。不是做菜给我吃。不是买礼物给我。不是接我下班。。只是希望你在我脆弱的时候可以毫不犹豫的说你想陪我。。

是不是一定要我说白了，你才会去做？

以前总是人等我。原来等人，真的好累，好烦。等人爱你，更烦。

以前觉得，一个人躲在家里哭，而对方不知道的话，是一件很可悲的事。今天，我确认了这件事。

好像听阿信唱温柔。。

这是我的温柔，还你你的自由。。。。。

2011-08-11T00:45:00.003+08:00

温柔on repeat.

i was supposed to be in bed. to be aslp.

now i feel like i prob cant sleep unless i let out some of my tots.

i saw the breakout of the Afro asia building fire. it was later reported in the news that, someone died in the fire. personally, i tink the chance of someone being trapped in the fire and die is quite low. i think foul play is more probable due to the scale of the fire. *shrug

**
on a brighter note,

he woke up today and told me "he got it!"

he went for an interview last week. it was his first interview.

he was so cute. so unlucky his first interview he kana double entry test! he panicked and immediately wapp me the test script and i manage to help him on some of the qns. hahaha.

and so he got the call today abt the job offer! we were expecting it last week cos his reference Jason told him he got a reference email. lucky him! it is super near his place

i m glad he got it. its a new pg for us both. and i m proud of him :)

just as i tot all was good.

we exchanged some text while i was lying on my bed earlier on.

i have long forgotten abt this extremely emo personality. i remember seeing it when we just started dating last yr. bt it hardly appears.

his extreme attitude towards cutting back on drinking caused some really unpleasant side effects. he literally force himself to watch himself. be v self conscious when hes out w me and even w his friends.

its not easy to break this habit since its been ard for sometime. he started feeling the frustration, the negativity. cant find the balance between his fun and getting drunk.

intentions were good. methods were wrong.

i know it wont be easy. this period. and as he let out all his emotions on wapp all together, it was so painful to read. those dark, negative tots about his life. about giving up, meaningless, drowning and all.

and me, who always tell him to share w me, couldnt find the right words to tell him. i m just not gifted in cheering him up.

i feel helpless.

i feel like i cant do anything to help him through this.

and i whom always tot i am so impt to him, doesnt seem to exist in this dark world of his.

he say, everytime hes upset, he will ask himself "for what", and very soon he will be ok again.

for me, everytime hes upset, i will ask myself too, "for what"? but in a totally different meaning.

for what are we doing this?

whats the point if he is doing this for our sake, but is gg thru so much agony to put things together.

what if, hes just happier without me. what if, i can let him go for the sake of his happiness?

one of the thing he said to me was, he have no choice. but to change for the better. cos he will choose me over anything.

so if i am not ard, he don have to choose rite??

sigh.

i understand its a long painful process for us. i know if both of us want to fight for it, we can do it together. but what if either one of us loses the strength some day. i m not superwoman. i have fears that we cant make it too, although right at this moment, i believe in us.

questions, what ifs, maybes..

actually i dun understand half of the things i wrote. sigh.

2011-08-04T23:13:00.003+08:00

today, gwen ask me: what is love?

she told me both of them have been so obsessed with work that there are simply no time for romance.

i told her, i used to ask myself that question.

what is love? is this love? is reliance love? is able to live with someone love?

and then i realise, able to live w someone alone is not enuff to be called love.

ur soulmate can be there for u, accept you for who u are, can talk to u and u will feel comfy w this person.

but if u love someone, u cannot live without this person. hes always on ur mind. every minute & every second. the desire to be together doesnt decrease even when theres unhappiness. 就算不开心也要在一起。

When pple asked me if i love my ex boyfriend then, i will hesitate for a while, think and reply, "yes i love him..", but now i tink i actually meant to say "yes, i think i love him"

i always wonder, maybe i really love him and hes the love of my life. maybe i just didnt know it.

but my best friend told me, no babe, if hes the one, u will know.

if theres doubt, uncertainty, then chances are, hes just a very important person in your life. not someone u cannot live without.

and so when i reconnected with ben, everything is so different. even our fights are so meaningful sometimes.

i know i m so in love with this man, more than anything else in this world. anyone throw tt question at me again, i wouldnt hestitate to give a positive answer.

it is to an extent that, if there can only be one person between us to be happy, i rather it be him. because if hes unhappy, i can never be happy.

as things are never perfect, and me being someone who always get what i want in the past, i m hardly satisfied. but even so, i keep quiet about things tt i m upset about. not because i didnt want to fight, mainly because i know they are trivial and i need to learn to accept them, instead of trying to change them.

then i will start to ask the magic word, why?

if i have to ask the second time for u to do smthing for me, to me, it defeats the purpose and i rather u not doing it for me, cos i take it as, letting me win the battle/avoiding trouble/just to please me.

very princess i know, but tts one of the last few things i have left tt i am being v particular about.

but nowadays, i am becoming less anal abt these because, i know if i wan smthing, all i have to do is ask. and if i ask, and i m given, and i m unhappy because i think i shouldnt have the need to ask in the first place, it piss the other party off, right?

like, u wan, i give it to u, yet u are not happy? BOOM. argue.

i find myself struggling. struggling to balance both side of the scale.

2011-07-28T01:54:00.006+08:00

i had one qn in my head now.

why?

why did i make the call. why did i drag him into this.

was really shagged from the war in office the past few days, came back to nap and was supposed to be up to prepare for my interview tomorrow. woke up hungry. realised i didnt eat dinner and only had hor fun for lunch.

texted him and didnt get response for 20 minutes. i m not sure how to quantify a missing 20 mins from wapp.

i know i had been missing from wapp for hours. but in the heat of the moment i dial his number and an argument started..

he said alot of things. some of the words prick my heart. and make me feel really guilty about being a bitch these few days. esp the part where he says he always try to be there and when hes missing for 20, i threw a fit. and hes sorry for not being the bf that i deserve to have, he will try harder.

and finally when i told him i was in a mess, he said its best tt i go to sleep .. and then the line went dead at the other end.

2 days ago i had wanted to blog about us, cos we didnt have any fights recently after the drama on his bday. that was in June. which is a big big change from when we started.

sometimes we both annoy each other, but very soon we will be ok.

to be fair, recently he have been the bigger person between us, while i will just shut off and do my things, he will prob dwell on his attitude towards me and try to best to make peace w me.

i admit, that lately i have been sitting back and looking at the world go by. now i know subconsciously i am being the demanding me, like i was in my last. and while he speaks on the other line i know its true.

he say sometimes he didnt know how to cheer me up. but he have idea, when i cant breathe from the immense stress and unhappiness at work, he, was the one and only person who relieve everything from me.

yesterday, he made lunch and delivered all e way from home to my office. what else can i ask for? really. tt could easily be the sweetest thing anyone can do for me.

so, i hate myself.

everytime when i m not feeling well, i want to see him. but whenever he ask, if i wan him to come find me or pack dinner for me, i will tell him no. ironic isnt it? stella told me i spoil him too much. but i really cant bear for him to cancel his plans or travel all the way down just to do smth for me. i don tink i m worth it. n i m afraid if i do let him come, what if, he rather do smth else? will he be upset? and grumpy? i know i have consider too much and he always say he will be happy if his presence makes me happy. i just cant help it. ;(

and on such instances when i told him not to come, i will expect to be on text with him. to feed on his attention. maybe tts why i m alwasy upset when i cant get him. sigh.

ok, i m tired, gg back to bed.

i m so gg to regret not preparing for my interview, i m gonna screw up.

fark.

2011-07-24T00:10:00.001+08:00

sigh been feeling emo lately...

it all started from my favourite colleague's resignation last month, and she have officially left last friday. we have joined the company on the same day and this entire year she have really been the pillar of support to keep me sane.

when i first joined the company, there are many changes gg on in my life. my breakup w d, my start w ben, the flat, etc. to be honest, i wasnt able to focus and i called in sick for many days. initially i tot my bosses were ok with it, since i told her about the reason. but i guess its a bad impression that no matter how hard i work, it wont be taken away.

then i lost the initial bonding time w the rest of the team, which may be the reason why after 1 yr here i still feel no sense of belonging as compared to my last job. i m still tight with irene and thomas. maybe a few others have drifted but i tink we are still on good talking terms. i m pretty sure once i leave this co i will nv look back and miss the days here.

so back to my colleague's leaving.

it triggered me to feel the need to leave this place too. mainly because there doesnt seem to have much career progression. but i didnt start to look out full force. went for 2 interviews through referral from my ex colleague. the first one they managed to get someone who have more experience than i do, the second one cos they think i wasnt suitable to work in steel yards. sigh.

then i started to panic.

i know i m not young anymore. i m not as cheap as fresh grad, motivated. and i m not experienced enuff for the next level. especially the fact that i do not have audit experience. giant industry like oil, steel, pharma are all looking for experienced individuals in respective industry. and it dawns to me that,

i m stuck.

looking at a few friends ard me who are doing well, in prestigious company, promising career.

everytime i bring up to ben, he will ask me to compare the amount of time we spend in the office. those commitments to e job. so he asked, lemme choose, will i prefer more life? or more work?

i dunno.

i just know i don have a fulfilling job. maybe its the wrong company. or maybe its the wrong profession.

pple say u will enjoy ur work if u have passion for it. i wonder will there be anyone who have passion for accounting? anyone?? sigh.

and if accounting is not for me. what can i do? i really dunno :( i feel so lost. i don feel accomplished. sometimes, i even feel i am good for nothing.

i wonder if i can even complete my driving course. which i have stopped taking classes since last yr. bummer.

i hope i will go through this phase soon.

**

of late, everytime i go partying, i have been v sober. i dunno why, there will be a state whereby i am very high but the feeling willfade very soon.

i then start to feel the energy seeping out of my body. and usually by 1 am, i will be tired and just watch the crowd.

the more times this happen, the more i feel i dunno wtf i m there.

i used to love clubbing, to dance and drink. but when we are sober, we are able to see so much more.

girls who dressed up so nicely, and ended up so unglam puking all over the floor, or doing other silly things. or worst, end up w an ugly guy in a budget hotel.

maybe drinking and partying have caused so much unhappiness to my rship, now i detest it. or maybe its because the last few times before i felt like tt, i was really drunk and the feeling so terrible. or maybe i m just plain old. i still enjoy the music tho. enjoy hanging out w my friends. have a few good laughs. some dares. some " hey bitch, don mess w me" kinda moments.

ytd when i was at butter, i saw this mix group of uni students. it was so scandalous. one of this girl was sitting down on the sofa with the guy tt i presume were interested in her cos his hands were all over her butt and thigh. then another girl from the group came, and sat down ON this guy's lap. then this same girl who sat down on this guy's lap went to sit down at ANOTHER GUY's lap later on. AND. she looks damn freaking sober. -.- (ok, sorry am i too traditional?)

then later on in the toilet, i saw this guy carrying this girl and her whole body was like jelly and she was staring onto the ceiling with her eyes weird open. its damn freaky. sigh.

when or how can i find back tt kinda feeling, like i am reasonably high and can dance? what works? maybe i shd just start going back to the dance floor.

2011-07-03T04:29:00.003+08:00

i m old. fml.

:(

i dunno whats fun in clubbing anymore. or maybe its because he was not w me.. i dunno..

was really high by the time i rch butter, but i feel really lethargic.

issit because i miss my baby?? :(

i kept thinking abt him the entire night. we spent last night watching chick flick and falling asleep at 2am. thats really early for him. and he woke me up at 11am for mac brekkie. its been so long since i manage to wake up for mac breakfast :P

we walked to west coast mac and i had hot cakes. the weather was rather warm, and he almost melts. lol.

went back home and we both fell aslp again. damn lazyyy..

hes on his way to shanghai now.. miss him loads. he asked if i wanna hang out tml if hes back early, but i think his flight back is abt 4 pm so i dont tink its possible. :(

the tot of him being so far away from me now is upsetting. but, at least we are underneath the same blue sky rite. :D

2011-06-26T03:06:00.000+08:00

deafening silence...

2011-06-24T00:38:00.003+08:00

its just one of those nights.. that i feel like blogging before i sleep.

just reached home from an overdue meeting w ling. it was great :) havent felt so relax in a long long time (except w my bb hehe). we met for dinner @ raffles city. she was so late lo.. which gives me awhile to go shopping..

i have been so broke and lazy that i haven step into any shops ever since japan? went to forever new and i LOVE each and every of their things. but its just way too expensive. 90 for a top? nah.
after tt she drove us to robertson quay to have desserts! it was an awesome night for alfresco dining! had a wonderful night because she went to pick her darling.

*BRB apply lip balm*

i used to have soft and supple lips u noe? like i bought my first lipbalm 3 yrs ago, but i don use it v frequently. nowadays i almost cannot survive without my lip balm :( and its so hard to find one tt doesnt taste weird & moisturising at the same time. to be on the safest side, always choose menthol. :)

argh, its just so painful if i don mositurise it enough!

ok back to tonight.

it was really fruitful night like she said. we talked alot, shared alot. she listened to me saying things that she never expected to come out from my mouth. hahah..well, i m a grown up now! from all the intense "training" hehe.

anyway we are damn happy for her. theres just smthing abt this new guy tt makes us think tt weiling will be v happy with him. :)

i had the best sleep last night in about a week or so? especially since tt faithful sat night sigh. the moment i close my eyes, i have flashes of what happened tt night =/

but last night was awesome, i slept at 12 odd and he, surprisingly slept too. since usually he wil be just playing game until wee hours. there was a thunderstorm in the middle of the night i think and the weather just become so perfect for sleep.

i wake up next to him smiling at me, and wet pillow from his drools. hahah.

tts really my definition of happiness. feeling safe & loved w the man u wanna be close with. i really feel damn well rested for my mind & body. and i m glad i did, cos it was a pretty sucky day at work :(

**

4 days after tt incident, i m trying my best not to tink abt it, especially when i am alone.

it just seems to me that, he recover really fast after the fight and i have to be more independent to deal w the recovery =/ i think hes prob trying to get over it by behaving like usual.

but all's good now. i m glad we are still able continue to work towards what we want. some pple give up that right because of pride.

sad to say, i always use my pride to make alot of decision. but nowadays pride would prob not mean anything to me than a chance to try again. as much i hate myself for that. i think it is good that i am learning how to make sacrifices now.

2011-06-19T13:28:00.004+08:00

cried myself to sleep at 4..didnt slp well at all.

i keep having waking dreams. i keep checking my phone.

i even dreamt that, he called me at 10am this morning...

then to realise, its just a dream.

i wake up at 1. feeling still the pain in the chest. the fear of not knowing what will happen..

what was supposed to be the best birthday evar, turn out to be a nightmare.

i hate myself. like kailin say why cant i be smarter to pick a fight when hes sober. why cant i just wait.

i hate myself for not being able to keep my cool. i hate myself for begging him not to go.

if we cannot pass this ordeal, i only have myself to blame for ruining my own game.

at tt moment i just wish he could calm down and i could have told him that, i love and i trust him. its true. i merely wanted to tell him, i m not comfortable abt what i saw, can he take note. but he refused to listen to me and left. i didnt have a chance to explain, which is what always happen, he wouldnt let me speak when hes angry.

maybe its because i share my random tots w him every now and then, he feels tt i don have trust in him.

but when i share most of those random tots, they are usually funny tots that we can both laugh about.

yes, i always share w my friends that i know he is the one. but i m not 100% sure if it will work out, because i m afraid i will be suffocating him. he wont be happy. but i have never ever say i dont trust him.

my trust for him is so much that it keeps me going from day to day.

perhaps its just me. perhaps, i m just a pessimistic, emo, pathetic woman.

this is the first time that i am so afraid tt he is ready to let me go, after so much we have went through. so many things we have built. so many chances i gave him..

i will pray, because i will never be able to breathe without him. .

i love u baby. hold my hand again and tell tt to me again.

but i am not sure if my pride allows me to go back again..

2011-06-05T22:29:00.002+08:00

In that dream, we were sitting down in a cafe. chatting like friends. i woke up, feeling good.

maybe, or at least i tot, that one day we can be friends. no matter what, we were each other's best friends for 5 yrs. .

little did i know, the dream was a sign to me.

it was because of the dream, i noticed that i haven seen u on fb chat for quite some time. out of curiosity, i went to search my fb list, and then i realised, i have been removed from your friend's list, and blocked cos i cant even search for it.

nice move there.

whatever reasons you may have for removing me so long after we broke up, be it u hate seeing my posts, ur gf made u do it or u just wan me completely out of your life, i hope u find joy in doing that.

i understand the rationale for doing that, but it doesnt mean i enjoy seeing myself being deleted.

whatever u did shows that you want me completely out of your life. sure. no problem about that, it will relieves me from whatever guilt i had.

i always wonder what will i do if i were to bump into you on the street. now, the answer is very clear to me.

i will pretend i dont know you.

2011-05-30T22:21:00.001+08:00

ironically, i am listening to Britney's From the bottom of my broken heart..

the song that i used to cry to back in secondary sch. ..

u were my real love, i nv knew love, till there was u... from the bottom of my broken heart. .

2011-05-30T01:16:00.002+08:00

最害怕感情变质的时候。

可是好像越害怕，它就来的越快。。

常拿刚开始时那种感觉和现在的相比，总觉得缺少了一些。但看上去感情根本没有问题。所以我讨厌自己的不安。。总是害怕有一天会有其他的人或东西比我还重要。。

好像很贪心，想拥有以前那种对方特别紧张我，在乎我的待遇，也要感情有了基础后的那种稳定。明明就很矛盾。。

是不是热恋/蜜月期后，会觉得会在一起很理所当然，不经意就产生那种不在乎和没必要做太多的感觉。。

算了，一定是我想多了。

2011-05-05T17:36:00.002+08:00

my happiness is simple.

simple dinner, catch a movie, stroll from cine to shaw then shaw back to cine, feeding the stray cat, sitting on random bench along orchard road to talk about the recent drama i have been watching, him clearing up all my questions and doubts i have after watching the drama (its about extra maritial affair =X ), reminisce abt our trips, him hugging me to sleep.

i love him. so much =D thats why my happiness is simple.

2011-04-06T10:44:00.003+08:00

i m in mild depression.

hes starting to notice my abnormal behaviour lately and i tink it has rubbed off him.

i am scared.

everything can be nice & sweet until some weird tot goes thru my head and i just becomes so emo. :(

i hate this. i hate myself.

i dunno wats wrong. i tried to control but i feel smthing eating me from inside.

issit work stress? issit insecurity? or issit just.. silly weird tots.

i feel the need to just be alone. .. .. but.. do i really want to be alone?

2011-04-01T11:19:00.003+08:00

the uncertainty of the upcoming trip is weighing down on us. pressure from friends, family and even media. we r only 14 days away. ** haven met him since tt few hours on monday w his friends. i don quite remember whens the last time we only meet once on weekday (other than when hes flying), we didnt make plans to meet tonight either. sigh. hes been ard in sg. and i haven seen him because..... ... .. ..... .. no idea. ** why do i feel wrong missing him. why do i feel wrong that i don enjoy my space too much, i rather have the 2 of us together? i m not a v dependent/sticky gf, am i? u said u alr have enuff space and don need more~ when u say u wan me to stick to u, and u wanna bug me, and we are not NTT cos its not enuff n wan more of me, are they all sugar coated... i do so wonder. i m just an ordinary girl. i don like to keep on guessing if my bf wants to meet me. or not. :( i gets excited every single time when i am gg to meet u. but not all the time, i get tt excitement from him. maybe all this is because of expectations.. or maybe he just don show it.. i don hate him. i m not angry at him. i just feel angry at myself tt i m so weak in this rship. i know its because i love him more than i love myself. and he loves himself more than he loves me. . . i love u. do u tink i enjoy feeling this way. when i try to deal w it. i just hope u can be a bit more patient w me..

2011-03-16T09:54:00.001+08:00

30 days to scheduled japan trip.

for once, i am hoping this trip is not so near.

i fear when i watch the news everyday. footages on fb.

but I DONT WANNA CANCEL MY TRIP.

its not tt i don understand the seriousness of this whole disaster thingy. its just tt i have hope that everything will turn out better. and its a month away.

so its quite, pointless for all of u to im/wapp/sms/call me to say that, "u shd cancel ur trip" "its v dangerous" " u can always go next time"

like seriously, it gets a bit on my nerve.

if i have a fren planning a trip to Japan now, i m sure i will say the same thing. Remind her that its not such a good time to go. But i will only remind. the rest is up to her. cos we are all adults and can be responsible for our own action.

i know my friends care for my safety and well being. and i really appreciate it. but don keep trying to convince me to cancel my trip NOW.

like i say, i will see how in another 2 weeks, if things dont get better i will cancel since it doesnt make a difference i cancel now or later~

i hope they can understand this and don put unwanted pressure on me, now that i am already feeling damn sian.

**

Hope everything in Japan will stabilise soon. no more bad news. for me. and for all the people.

2011-03-03T10:40:00.001+08:00

back to once a week fighting. what happened to few months no quarrel??

but we continue trying. .

hard to stay sane at times. i find myself going through thought process of a 14 yo teenage girl. so.. immature..

everytime we fight and we make up, we cherish each other more and understand each other's thoughts better. so i m not sure if its a good or bad thing after all.

however, the process is very painful. it felt like as though i was going through a heart failure. i will keep asking myself, is this the end of us? and i will answer, no, we can do better than giving up now..and then i start to panic and ask myself, why did we allow this to happen~~~??

most of the time, like 99% of the time, its just because of a v small misunderstanding. misunderstanding tt arises because we care about each other too much.

and duch misunderstanding cause things to blow out of proportions. its... so not worth it. because it brings unhappiness, fear, pain & alot of other negative feelings..

confuse mind.

he say its ok to fight, as we fight "positively", we argue to reach a common understanding & open communication. in fact, right from the start we know it wouldnt be easy. as long as we keep moving forward, it may be just baby steps, but at least we are not going backwards.

i keep thinking if i should stop focusing on him changing to someone that i wan him to be. but he told me last night, hes already a changed person. when i think about it, its very true. even if we fight, regardless of whose mistake, he will recover much faster than last time and he will not lose it that much. on and off i have been ard in his life for the past few yrs, i have heard of how he treated his previous gfs. and yes, he is absolutely right.

maybe its time now i stop whining and complaining. and keep myself in check of my mood & temper. i may have the virtue of high patience and tolerance level, but i don have a good EQ.

i, must stop causing damage to the rship. and i, will work towards it and keep reminding myself about it. i will need to tink about all the important things & happy moments when i am upset.

yes, i will do that and not be comparative and have the old thinking that, if he can, why cant i. if u love this person, gotta stop being calculative about who's giving more.

food for thought: if u are in a rship like mine. would u rather the rship be slow moving n loving, or constantly voice out (reads argue) to understand each other better, faster and cherish each other more???

2011-02-16T00:10:00.002+08:00

he say "there is no one else that i wanna walk this road with.."

it was a bad vday for us. 2 prideful person refusing to give in.

exchanged some fiesty texts in the noon, followed by cold war..finally managed to make up at 5am this morning. drama.

i forced myself to slp at 12am, didnt take long for me to wake up, thinking abt him. tot i try my luck to text him. he replied within seconds. so happy to be seeing 'typing...' on my wapp screen. apparently he just wake up too.

he apologised, so i told him i was sorry too. because i know this time round, i am at fault. but at the end of the day we both figured that, we both have our reasons to be upset and yet we are not wrong at the same time. complicated. hmm.

hes prob right. we prob quarrel just to make up. and wasted tt silly 10+ hours feeling upset abt smthing so insignificant. both of us didnt want the fight, and regretted whatever we have said once we both cool off our head. however, alot of mean things can be said when we let rage take over our minds.

everytime we fight and made up, we will talk abt what was going through our head at diff point of time when we are not talking. always interesting to hear.

like there was once, he told me he wanted to talk to me after an argument, but he was afraid i didnt want to talk to him. so he stalked my wapp status and waited for me to go online, even tho he could have just leave me a offline msg. so silly.

and ytd, 2 hrs after we ended our last convo, he actually text me to explain certain things, but i was too fedup and deleted my wapp right after the heated text exchange, so i didnt receive the msgs, and keep tinking he didnt look for me. lol. denial.

so he told me just now, next time he will just sms or call. hahaha. we will see.

he flew off to amsterdam tonight, met him for dinner and sent him to airport. always nice to see him after a fight. hugs will really make me feel alot better than just texts alone =)

on our way to airport, he said his chain of thoughts have improved, not so emotional like last time, which was why he can recover faster than before. happy to hear tt. =D he went thru the convo ytd and understood why i misinterpreted his meanings.

see, so its all misunderstandings! there goes our first vday!

nvm, not impt, there were so many pple out for dinner ytd and i tot its quite stupid and not romantic.

my ideal v day will be smthing like.. a picnic at a park/beach with some home made food, cheese/chocolate & wine/champagne. play some card games or board games with some nice music. tt will be perfect =D and ideal present will not be flowers (one stalk is cool enuff! just for the fun of it, not bouquet, i can eat hell alot of food for tt money) or chocolates or teddy bears, it will be something, hand written/self made or even a e-love letter!

but well, my past vday have been quite standard - dinner & movie, so this yr for a change, i had ktv w hanzi n grace! Loves!

spoke to mery today...

she told me i seem v clear of what i want and what i am doing now. which is good. so i shdnt be bothered abt wat pple see/think abt us. have faith in him n be more encouraging.

if hes what i want, i shd get it no matter wat.

i m quite certain like him, that there is no one else i would rather spend the rest of my life with. altho the road ~~may not be~~ CONFIRM WILL NOT BE smooth sailing. hopefully our love is strong enuff to withstand whatever tt comes in our way. so far seems like whatever tt comes in our way is our strong character. hmm..

sometimes i do wonder if i m over optimistic abt this rship. but mer told me, there shd not be anything i need to be pessimistic abt. i prob know him better than anyone else, if i can trust him, the rest dont matter..

anyway, always feel good talking to her. cant wait for her to come bk in april so tt we can spend some girly times together!!

2011-02-14T01:59:00.002+08:00

new milestone today~ :)

b finally came over to bai nian. for some reason, i don feel like i have done this before.. then hw the hell did my parents know weihao and d back then??

anyway, we were both antsy abt today. but he still play mahjong till dawn the night before lo~ =/ didnt even slp enuff and had to drink chicken essence 0.o

me on the other hand went to meet hanzi and grace at ECP so ended up sleeping at 4 am too but was up by 11am. hahah. very excited.

so he came over, everything went well.. mommy have positive feedback for him. and i am really glad =D

despite being v kanchiong abt this (he have nv done this before and he looks super unez), he did v well. when mommy asked him questions, he reply in a lot of details and there was a good conversation going on :D appreciate his effort for trying to converse 100% in chinese, hahah he always sound funny when he speaks perfect chinese. lol.

oh and mommy say hes tall and quite good looking. haha.

so ya, a big step forward is to let my parents accept him~ and i tink its a good start and maybe they will be more fang xin next time i say i m out w bf. heh

2011-02-02T22:22:00.002+08:00

cny in two hours. 1 and a half to be exact.

rship between us has been stable and happy.

at least most of the time.

we care abt each other. we spend good times together. we made changes for each other. we compromise.

but through all these i still feel, e peaks of the rship is still v much dependent on him. how he feel. how he want to make me feel.

altho his hot head temper have tone down (alot).

i don get his mood swing once or twice a week as compared when we first started. he have learnt how to better control his emotions.

but whenever he suppressed it for too long. or rather. when we are at peak for too long. his basic nature will reveal. and when it comes, i still dunno how to deal w it.

i cant handle it when he start to shut me out. start to show all his bo chupness and impatience.

it really doesnt feel good when ur emotions is totally in control by another person. its like even when u are happy, he can still trigger your mood change. so totally wtf.

and when he feels better he will expect to be ready to accept him back with open arms. sometimes its not possible, because i will be so affected by his mood swing, that i will start to tink abt alot of negative things and i will be so upset myself by the time hes better.

our biggest problem, till date, is still abt him drinking. yes, cut down alot already. i appreciate it. i m totally fine w him, doing some casual drinking w his friends. but whenever he cross his limit unknowingly. fight occurs. and hurtful things happen.

i really dunno what to do. i feel my world collapse when things like this happen... ..

sometimes, i still wonder, will he be happier if i m not w him. he can have all his freedom, how he used to be. i even asked him that, but he told me he will have more freedom, but will be someone without morals and soul. and being w me makes him wanna be a better person.

i believe. but what if he doesnt know what he wants and only realise this after being w me for quite sometime?? i m afraid. cos i know he is what i want. and no one ever have made me feel this happy and in love.

sigh.

happy cny everyone.

just brought my tears to a brand new yr. .. lets just hope its like wat he says, our rship will be stronger and better as it goes.

2011-01-16T05:39:00.003+08:00

cant remember when was the last time i actually stayed up till dawn. lol.

reached home 2 hours ago. had a great 30+ hrs w baby. < 3

after work ytd we met in chinatown for dinner then headed to 139 w jake.

just as we were thinking abt where to go after beer since jake is leaving to join his friend, jake said his friends wanted to change from Attica to somewhere else. so ben suggested gg to butter together.

had great fun between the 2 of us, despite jake's friend not being v haps. we had 1 bottle of whiskey, 8 jager bombs, 2 random housepour. some of them are free. i shall not tell u why =D

a lot of interesting shit happened last night. pretty entertaining. lol.

slept till 12 today but ended up having lunch at 3pm. went to bukit timah for chicken rice. by then our energy was so low we had to cab back and nap. lol.

woke up at 7+ then went to clementi to explore the new clementi mall. looks interesting. had dinner then went bk home to watch meet the parents. hehe. hopefully didnt give him any phobia abt meeting my parents. ;p

90 days to japan! super excited i already came up w the pack list. woots!

2011-01-10T21:11:00.002+08:00

was on my way to work today and had this random tot of WHICH PART OF MY BODY I DISLIKE MOST AND WANT TO DO SMTHING ABT IT.

So came up w a list of things that i wanna do to my body and hopefully able to accomplish sm by this yr. although not all is compulsory.. hehe

Listed in the most impt ones first:

1. Teeth straightening - braces or invasilign?
2. Teeth Whitening
3. Tummy Slimming
4. Thigh Slimming
5. Sharper face
6. Nose job
7. Get rid of laugh lines - botox!
8. Removal of scars on face
9. Breast implant. hahahaha.

2010-12-26T02:16:00.002+08:00

Merry xmas!

meeting sec sch loves in a few hrs for cookout but cannot slp =/

i have this love-hate relationship for xmas n new yr since many yrs ago.

i love it cos, its festive. gives me a v warm feeling. nice lightings..& xmas presents..

i hate it cos, i usually feel more lonely during festive seasons. friends will be bz w their own parties. i would love to organise one, but always afraid tt no one will turn up. lol. i hate how everything is more expensive. over crowded shopping centres..

so anyway, my xmas this yr was w little anticipation. but turned out well!

for once on xmas eve, i don have to work half day!

was supposed to catch ling for tea at HV, but she was late, and i had to do xmas grocery shopping so tt i can head to baby's place to help, so i only met her for awhile at Coffee club. But i was glad she decided to come along w me to grocery shop! saviour! i m a total noob without benji.

bought my stuff and headed over to ben's. he was already preparing at 4 + pm.

menu for the evening wasnt very festive, but they were yummy. :)

chilli crab (meat), japanese pork curry by him. cream of mushroom, pasta salad, 100% fresh mango ice cream by yours truly.

absolutely loveeee the mango ice cream! so yummy! =)

home cooking can be expensive too.. total we spent abt 60 bucks for all the necessary ingredients. but of cos we have left over ingredients tt we can use again. its fun! but tiring. haha.

ended dinner at 8+. already felt like sleeping. he almost wanted to stay home for xmas eve~ poor me almost hadda go find kaelyn at TAB by myself. until i sulk and told him we have nv spent any xmas or nye together. even when we were dating in sec sch. with the exception of Millenium Swing. so he relented. hehe..

rched TAB at abt 1130pm. the countdown was super quiet. not quite what kae expected, but it was everything tt i expected. life band, not crowded. good for us! since we were both in nua mood.

had wanted to head home after the low profile countdown to xmas. but we couldnt really decide if we REALLY wanna go back or not. so we followed kaelyn to PLAY w genia & their friends, ade, david & jon.

nice music. :) not too crowded. but i think i didnt have enuff booze. so didnt really had fun. been drinking alot lesser lately. refusing drinks. tink i have been sober for months, except my bday night. left for home at 3 am. lucky us, no problem getting cab. :)

woke up on xmas day when i toss and turn to hug the bolster. he whisper 'Merry christmas' to me and continue to look at me sleeping. rare. hes been slping and waking up at the v normal hours and i m not used to him waking me up these days. lol.

brought me to WCP and treated me to a sumptuous meal @ Sukuraya before i headed over to Irene's for April Half gathering!

Miss the girls~ its a v chillout gathering w just the 4 of us. potluck. tv. korean boys. and of cos Mayday!!!

Xmas day well spent!

***

life's been good, other than me still not able to adapt to my "new" work team. basically i find it v hard to get along w them... nvm... nt gonna elab..

we fight alot lesser too. hes been more sensitive and in control of his emotions ever since the last incident.

but earlier this week, i got abit emotional abt my last break up again. once in awhile, tots of d will come back. esp tt night when i was at butter w ben. many flashbacks of my bday last yr, how he proposed and how things have changed ever since.

its not tt i m not happy w ben now. on the contrary, hes everything i look forward to. but perhaps because, i started another rship and him being nasty have given me a v good opportunity to just bury everything behind. i rmb all the bad things abt him and the rship.

now tt sm time have passed, and i look back, there were indeed many things he did for me, which are nice, whether or not the intention is abt loving me.

ling asked if i still hate him. i cannot answer her... it still upsets me a lil tinking abt hw things have turned out. but i rather not tink abt him at all. since we both have moved on and have other priorities.

i m sorry abt rubbing off the negative vibes to benji tho. :/

'we have a honeymoon period tt is nv gg to end. :)'

2010-12-17T10:05:00.001+08:00

any looser, i might as well open up my fingers and let u roam free.

2010-12-07T09:38:00.002+08:00

ended up slping at 3.30.

feeling :( before i slp.. sigh..

zombie now. lucky boss on MC. sigh..

2010-12-07T00:47:00.006+08:00

i went to bed at 11 pm. aim to slp early so tt i wont be late for work tml + i m pretty tired from lack of slp the night before.

i fell aslp within minutes. but woke up half an hr later. exchange a few wapp w him.

**

background:

his first paper at expo today. tot he deserve a good dinner after tt. so asked if he wanted dinner. he said he already made plans later in the night w jake. not exactly made plans but his usual monday pool plan. but he said ok anyway and pick me up from office. (his first time picking me frm office!)

nice dinner and all. then we head to 139 together. honestly, the T, M & S saga did affect me but not to a great extent. i remember vaguely he said smthing abt he is "willing to be the common enemy of my friends".

i noe he meant it as a joke to cheer me up. he said even when M is not ard in sg much, he can be the link person, by being the 'common enemy' of my friends. but it jus bothers me when he said tt. he prob didnt realise but i went quiet after tt. don ask me what i was bothered abt. prob because i don wan all my friends to take him as a 'common enemy'. :(

on the way met justin and gf. -__- and for some unknown reason again, i tell myself i wanna go back and don wanna hang out w them. don misunderstand, they are nice to me. but its just an uncomfy feeling tt i always have w them ard. must have got smth to do with their SUPER serious PDA. which always disgust me.

and when a few times i tried to talk to him, i noticed he was bz wapping vicky. then he didnt hear i was talking to him at all. rawrrr.

so i stayed awhile and decided to head back at 9 odd. he halt his pool and walked me to cab and i appreciate him doing tt. and the last thing he said to me was, 'reach home msg me'.

which i did. but he nv reply...until 2 hrs later.

**

now, i admit smtimes i need the attention from him immed. like say if i went home myself, i will expect at least like him, texting me if i am not home within an hr.

i get agitated when he fail to notice tt i didnt text him cos i will tink tt he is not concern abt me/he is distracted by other things.

i mean, tts e expectations tt i always carry.

but to be fair, he have exceeded alot of my expectations. so why am i so upset tt he didnt meet this?

sigh.

i don mean to mind fark him when he just wants to have a good time. i don need him to feel guilty abt not checking his phone. but how? i m human and i have feelings. i AM unhappy abt smthing.

i noe most of the times, i was e one who triggered the fight (not to say its my fault). i am spoiled. i expect him to give in to me..

and i do say things i regret too. altho most of the time i managed to stop them from coming out. its silly to be fighting over things tt we don even remember the next day or say hurtful things which we cant even remember what causes the fight.

sighh..

do u tink giving him more time helps? i don wanna suffocate him.. since his head will be filled up with questions of how to be better. how to make me happier. =/

go slow serene.. since he didnt ask u to change anything, means he love u for who u are. just try to accept he is different and may not be able to meet all ur expectations to be a perfect man. most imptly, he makes u feel special and happy whenever u two are together. =D

2010-11-20T03:03:00.002+08:00

sick again. rawrrrr.

dunno issit lack of slp or lack of drinks or what???

luckily this time no fever. ironic thing is,i cant go on MC when i am really sick. cos my attendance v bad since i came back from HK.

booked my japan trip already! will be claiming ben's miles so my air ticket is FREE!! woots. huge savings, cos i tink even if promo also 500 min. And April period will be cherry blossom sure ard 700. so yea! i m v looking forward. already start planning. i pray hard i wont fall sick then, must really take in a lot of vitamins. .

will be the 3rd time i visit japan! but this will be my first fne. so excited~

think hes quite reluctant to go disneyland w me. but i don care, i m so going~ wahaha.

havent had my hk drama fix in awhile. kept watching series he downloaded. they are all nice.

but lacks the drama effect of HK drama! i miss Tang Xin Feng Bao man... so nice.

trip to jakarta was good! managed to finally meet smokey~ and see mery's lovely house. so envious lo~ good life!

2010-11-10T18:45:00.004+08:00

had dinner w love at west coast road. love the thai maggi goreng there, but cos its a long way from his place. usually we will be too tired to walk over. knocked off early ytd so i went to tabao Eskimo from my office area. but its not nice when tabao. and the yakult red tea i bought for him tastesss.. weird. but he gulped it down.. haha.

15 mins walk from his place to the eatery. by the time we reach, we are both full from the drinks. ordered a thai style mee goreng and a masala thosai to share. . could hardly finsih. =/

was a good night for walk. so we strolled to west coast recreational centre, passing by clementi stadium. nostalgic. remember it used to look bigger when i was in sec sch. hahaha.

and so we went to the bowling alley at wrc. reminds me of the days where i waited hours for him at Bukit panjang for his game/league/whatever. -.- luckily hes no longer bowling now, just sitting next to me and watching this group of pro ang mohs..

headed upstairs for a short session of pool before gg back to watch True Lies. (which i didnt manage to finsih the other time cos i was too tired). interesting show. :)

**

flying to jkt tml night. miss mery so much! happy to be able to spend some girly time together! which also means, there will be further damage to my wallet. sigh.

but its ok! its all worth it!

just as i tot everything was over..

2010-11-03T13:36:00.008+08:00

i decided to face up to my feelings and made the decision to be in a rship tt i never thought i will be in again..all because D have convinced me with his high profile relationship w his new girl that he totally cant be bothered w me anymore.

i tot everything was finally over. he moved on in speed of light. i dunno how he did tt. but he did. and i tot whatever tt is going on in my life has nothing more to do w him. so i did move on like he forced me to.

apparently i was wrong.

i dunno why does it still bothers him that i have officially started a rship w ben.

i know most pple ard think its like such a wrong choice to go back to him. right now i really dunno. its prob not the brightest choice of all. but all i noe is, when i almost died and this so called "bastard" in everyone's eyes was there and rescued me from whatever. and is still around.

whereas when i was hurting so much. D ignored my pleas to talk. and only thing he kept saying was move on & move on. yes, i m the one who call off the whole thing, but dont i have the right to mourn? or to feel hurt?

i, too, am human. i have feelings. its like losing someone very close to me. and the treatment he gave me makes it worst. which leads to me backing out of joyce's wedding.

during this period, needless to say, ben puts in a lot of effort in making me happy & feel special. i noe its honeymoon stage, but, i really don tink i shd just deny him of any chance. at least he don sit back and watch when theres problem. we talk alot and are constantly tinking of ways to avoid gg back to the same route before.

like last time, whenever i told D we have problems. he will just tell me what is the ideal situation. but he nv give me solutions. .

after the split, in all possible ways i tot abt his feelings. i protected him as much as i can. i nv wanted to put him into a position whereby someone came asking him "eh, ur ex fiance have a new bf ah.." so i dare not face up to what ben have for me and kept everything low profile.

i kept asking hw he was coping but he never ever once ask me if i was ok. never.

he just totally shut me out. how the fark can i attend his best friend's wedding like tt. i respected his friends and didnt want to bring any negative vibes to affect anyone. i dunno if tt will happen, but i really don wanna risk pple's big day. and don farking use me as an excuse to bring tt girl to the wedding. cos i back out of the wedding for a reason, as much as i wanted to be there.

but now i am glad i didnt. because these pple treat me like a fool. i delivered the ang pow to clementi the night before and sent her my blessing. the least tt they all can do, is to inform me that my seat has been replaced. its basic manners no? its never abt the money. its abt the respect they have for me as someone who treated them as friends.

whats there to inform? u'd ask. well apparently because the invitation card was attentioned to ME. and technically speaking, that seat was supposed to be mine, not as his gf. so i shd be responsible for it. and for 5 yrs he have known me, he didnt think i will be zi dong enough to give the ang pow to cover tt seat? the only reason i can think of is, he just wanted to bring the new girl and tell everyone he have move on. and he did a good job.

as much as possible, i have taken all the blame and responsibility. be it in monetary terms or questioning from parents, relatives and friends. i apologise and felt guilty. but he have to accept that, a rship didnt fail because of one person.

he didnt like ben. well, alot of pple dont. but they are slowly changing their perception of him because they knew its all my happiness that matters. i don like joanne too, tts why she and miko were one of the first pple i deleted from my FB even BEFORE the breakup. but i didnt go ard telling his friend i am so pissed cos he is dating someone i dont like, right? tts because i know he has moved on, so i leave him alone cos its already none of my business.

for 5 yrs we dated, i just wanted to end things ambicably. when i couldnt cope, he left me to drown. now when i m happier, hes pissed off. just because tt person is not someone he like. but i m supposed to move on, like he wanted me to!

i still have my reservations for ben, but even if it didnt work out w ben one day, i noe we tried and it isnt meant to be. and if he let me down again, D can just sit back at laugh at me for being so stupid rite?

i believe every broken rship make me learn smthing. from this, i learn tt, there is no unconditional love. it just takes this much to see one person. that one person who claims to love me and wants to marry me but he didnt even try to protect me.

i also know who are my true friends. and who i don ever need to be bothered w anymore.

**

right now, i just enjoy doing alot of things w ben. simple things like watching tv, cooking for each other, playing monopoly, daidee, bus rides, food hunt, clubbing & dancing, ktv, wcp etc etc. sure, he cant give me financial security, he doesnt have permanent access to car, we have to go dutch sometimes when we ear. but we enjoy eating at hawker centres & taking public transport & even walking. .

i enjoyed gg overseas w him cos he plans everything and navigate while i just enjoy. imagine a 7 page map just for food. and even my friends had a good trip together.

i feel a brand new me. i do things that i nv like to do, nv tried and nv seen. i eat sashimi, i watch classic movie which he downloaded, i bring my laptop to his place to research for japan together, i eat bake beans, i like staying over, i go dinner w him n his aunt, i cook..

he feels like magic. and just everything i ever need now. =D

**

and so, i m just v disappointed in how things turn out. i never expect for everything to be normal. but, i just feel sad hw ugly things become.

whatever i say, whatever i do, wouldnt make any sense to him. because i noe he already have this potrayed image of me in his head.

but i noe wat i did was right (more sure now than ever) and i m glad i noe, there will be no regrets.

i really do feel they are compatible, because i think he will be happier w a tamed gf and a yes-girl. and i wish him all the best.

2010-10-28T16:46:00.000+08:00

On this day of your life, Serene, we believe God wants you to know ... that to love is to be vulnerable.

Love is the opening of the heart, the welcoming of your beloved. Loving is not secure, authentic loving is risky. Security lies behind the walls of a closed heart. You either invite the union by opening in love, or you secure the isolation by closing down.

2010-10-24T13:34:00.003+08:00

finally have the strength to come up to the computer after 3 days of lying at home.

a bad way to end my HK trip. but fortunately i only fell sick on the last day, when i was on the plane back. must be the result of sitting in between jenson and ben. ahaha.

it was an incredible trip. my first trip w a grp of friends, altho some hiccups here n there but i had loads of fun! i hope they feel the same too :) we lived like local (stayed in Neltje's condo), travelled like a local (took bus 90% of the trip) & eat like a local! (lotsa local food, thanks to ben who did a 7 pg map for his food hunt!)

basically no one made any itineraries or plans before going. we just wander ard. love this feeling. everyone was spontaneous and impromptu. and ben is a v good navigator, i almost nv got lost w him ard.

favourite time being the first night at Lan Kwai Fong. had to keep going up and down slopes to get beers. i tot to myself, if i have to go thru these in sg to club, it will certainly help to cut down the frequency. lol.

was hanging out w Yanxia & her bf. and they are v nice, keep buying lots of drinks.

didnt drink much, cos the other 4 looked almost there. always prefer to be 30% sober when i m clubbing overseas. partied at this club till almost 4. very fun & definitely very memorable =D

bought alot more things compared to last trip. happy!

amazed at some pple's ability to put everything behind. but at least i m normal, cos i take my time to heal and recover. i must be stupid to be sensitive to other pple's feeling since no body pay attention to how i may possibly feel.

i cant imagine i almost, out of guilt, tried to push all the responsibility to my side. cos now i look at it, no one will possibly appreciate if i will to assume all responsibility. i have learn to protect myself first. since of cos he wont be protecting me at all.

well since he is so outright abt his new life, i tink its about time, that i face up to things i care abt & pple who care abt me.

further convinced that i m not The One, which he nv want to agree. And my decisiveness & ability to see the bigger picture have save us from the possible melt down of a bad future.

Serene saves the day.

common friend seems surprised by the new girl. but dunno why am i not surprised at all. :) they make a good match. looks like what he exactly need. .

2010-10-15T11:09:00.002+08:00

My heart shivers. i felt like i prob nv know u at all. or u nv really existed. or maybe, u have changed because your pride is hurt.

i guess i wouldnt noe.

rcv call from HDB today, officer told me i was supposed to go down to sign final doc by tues.

but since i will be gg away till tuesday, he say latest by today.

he apologise for the last minute information and said luckily he called me. Apparently he told me that he have already inform Mr Chua, and he will be going down on Monday. And i dunno if Mr Chua have the intention of informing me, but he told the officer that he cannot rch me.

now how is that possible? i m on fb, msn, mobile phone & landline.

rushing down to clementi later to get the thing signed.

as much as u say tt we can still be friends, ur action shows otherwise. its v sad because even after 5 yrs of support for each other, i m not worthy for u to keep as a friend or even talk to. . but i have come to terms w that.

i believe in 好来好散, but i will only be nice to pple who are nice to me.

** ** **

looking forward to the getaway tomorrow~

2010-09-27T00:54:00.002+08:00

finally. theres closure.

alls clear. didnt manage to deliver the bday present. but i had a good time at PH.

i thank those who were there w me. to make everything much more bearable.

and i look up to mamie kaelyn. so strong.

chapter closed.

2010-09-21T13:19:00.002+08:00

My mind is slowly adapting to the crazy things happening ard me...

alot of pple commented that they are surprised at the way i deal w the issue. too calm. unlike my usual self.

seriously, u have no idea how hard it is to appear like its nothing when he don even give a damn abt me. and when everything else is also falling apart..

i try not to rely on alcohol to get on w life. but i noe i need the sleeping pills to put me to sleep.

very tempted to rely on that pillar and shelter tt is there for me now. but i know i shouldnt until i heal.

anyway, mery is right. guys will be guys. once they set their mind to it, even 10 yrs they can also move on and wouldnt be bothered if u haven. they prob think "serve u right" and start laughing hysterically.

me, on the other hand, have no clear direction of whats gg to happen. neglecting work and family. fancy sobbing in office and hiding in toilet for 20 mins. luckily my female boss knows of my predicament and offer me support. i m grateful.

there are alot of pple that i tot i can rely on. but apparently i cant. v disappointing. and i know there are pple who wants to be there for me, but i had to shut them out, just because i am tired of reacting to shocked faces and why this why that. the more i hear, the more confused i get.

and there is absolutely no need to keep telling me why issit my loss. tyvm.

its so sad that we have just became strangers over night. somehow, i believe it only proves my point that, it wasnt me that he really want to spend the rest of his life with. but prob someone, that will follow him thru his master plan.

i may be wrong. but since i dont have anyone to answer my question, i will just take it as that.

**

i lost my bag ytd in a ktv pub that i have been going. sigh. n i didnt want to be there yesterday.

for some reason i was holding on to my phone~ which i usually will put inside the bag. so i m considered lucky.

the most precious item lost will be my wallet, which consists of my CCs, IC, 150 bucks and the wallet itself. its my first branded wallet and its in patent pink. :(

still carrying hope that someone will bother to return the bag or whatever without the cash n all back to 139.

this have to happen when i m like ultra broke. my ib device & uob atm card got lost together and i have no access to any cash. life sucks yes?

2010-09-15T10:33:00.001+08:00

everyday, i gets a little bit more insane.

2010-09-07T22:54:00.002+08:00

tomorrow's the day.

just rfch home from my first OT. not exactly how i want to feel the night before.

ordered mac. started crying like crazy.

but felt famished. imagine with all the tears flowing down i have to force food into my mouth. nothing could feel worst than this.

i noe it will be over someday. time will heal us.

he deserve someone who can give him true happiness.

2010-09-06T10:14:00.002+08:00

received an email in my inbox today from Tony Romas:

"Dear Toh, This is just a gentle reminder that someone special in your life is having his/her birthday soon."

Lifes been a struggle for the past 2 months.

kinda glad that everything is almost coming to an end. but i noe a part of me is still aching for this lost.

i v much miss the days tt we used to spend tog. shopping. movie. beach. but it just cant seem to make up the fact tt we hardly have time to spend tog.

not really sure hw is he coping now. i tried to speak to him but he doesnt open up and talk to me like a total stranger. his friends and their gfs stop talking to me too. this - i m not surprised.

i still cry at night whenever i thought abt us and have problem sleeping till morning. but right now, i still tink what i decided was the best for us. even though he may not see it. or anyone else. it prob doesnt matter.

it requires a lot of courage to stand up and break away from the reliance on him. on the relationship. from the comfort zone. and also to disappoint someone so greatly.

once settled, our lives will be untwined. and for all the time and feelings we spent on each other before, everything will be back to square one. so sad isnt it.

he haven fought for me since i made the decision. he just quietly went away. i dont wanna tink abt the real reason for just backing off. maybe its for me. maybe its for him. maybe hes just better off without me. maybe. but i guess i will never find out..

2010-08-22T12:20:00.003+08:00

saturday didnt go according to his plan. because i was so tired tt i overslept.

went for dinner at clarke quay. yummiest salmon roe bowl + soyu ramen. :)

rch US at almost 5, the ticket counter girl advise us to go back another day cos it will b closed at 6.30. disappointing. but its already cool experience to be at some place i have nv been to.

decided to go home to slp before heading out again in the night. wanted to do wii and flyer. but, slpt till abt 10. hahaha.

ended up catching step up 3 at tampines mall, the show was mad awesome. i m glad he chose to watch it again :)

went home, rested again.

wake up this morning feeling i have slept for centuries. i hope he did to. must be unable to slp well lately. i feel fresh and we shall head out later when hes up.

altho its a quiet weekend spent, i pretty much enjoy the peacefulness.

2010-08-03T21:46:00.002+08:00

went to AMK hair inn to cut hair today. another hard selling salon. don like the way they handle my hair and mislead me to paying more. but hack.

**
havent been to AMK for quite sometime.

took bus 159 back home. tts the bus i always take during poly days to and fro home. fast~ abt 20 min to reach NYP and another 5 mins to AMK.

this is also the bus that we always take, during my first job at BSI, which is at ulu sami tagore lane (near thomson).

i still remmeber the long walk from office building to the busstop will take abt 10 mins. wtf. and i have to change bus at AMK in order to rch tt bus stop. dunno why i so diligent last time.

dont quite remember what was he doing back then. was he already working or?

think still in national service. cos i remmeber after he came back from his india trip, he came with a stalk of rose for me. .

smtimes he will come from camp/home to pick me up from office, then send me back and we will usually take 159..

back then, we were so broke, he wasnt working and i was only earning 1,500 every mth. we don have the luxury to pig out. once in a while crystal jade is good enuff. no car to ferry me everywhere.

sometimes he will pop by at SIM, buy me dinner. buy my friends dinner. do u remmeber kailin? hahah the cheeseburger.

we were so happy. so contented. so simple.

it been years, and somemore my brain buried these lovely memory deep inside.

how could i.

hw could i let this man down.

why do all this have to come at the wrong time. why make me choose.

i couldnt stop crying when i was sitting on that bus. alone.

i hope i didnt scare anyone. haha..

2010-07-29T19:14:00.005+08:00

i m tired of repeating stories. so basically we decided to rethink abt the rship.

tired being push to do things that i don wanna do.

period.

went to Hood last night w ben, chester & vicky. awesome after party they have, as usual. we headed there after a few drinks at Butterfactory. so not crowded altho music was good. might be better if stella was there but she was having her Chilli vodka elsewhere. ewww.

anyway, back to Hood. this is a new place opened by Vicky's friend. they have awesome staff and singers. their live band singers always impress me.

BUT, whats really more impressive is the after party of their operating hours. there is a group of music fanatics, who will gather after the opening hours with their guitars and their most powerful vocal and sing anything and everything that comes to their mind. awesome.

and amongst them, i happen to notice a few of them are actually v famous song writers. including Jim from Dreamz FM last time, and last night i saw Wu Jia Ming.

one of the guys David, even created a song using my name just so that i will drink up tt glass of beer. LOL.

2 tower of Tiger was due to the miscommunication between ben and chester. well done guys. we have 2 towers, and theres only 4 of us. -_- but i only contributed to finishing half. haha

Me & vicky. shes a great girl with lotsa awesome friends. and she is ben's best friend too.

Ben, being on the stage, want to sing but shy. but he sang Yesterday once more with help of JIm as backup and Heaven Knows, unplugged.

Caius. Don remember hes half boss or just staff. but hes a v friendly guy who helped us w the beer.

this is tiny! shes uber uber cuteeee.. she keeps biting my hand. and i tink she only bites me. i played w her for almost an hr. when i carry her, she will like hold her head up and look at me.

i m so gg back to look for her again. :)

2010-07-24T23:23:00.000+08:00

我不配

2010-07-09T10:50:00.002+08:00

3rd day at work.

was told again to do my own reading and net surfing. -_-

seriously, it makes me wonder why they insist i start work since everyone was bz w closing.

but it really feels good to start working. at least it keeps my life busy. but i miss sleeping in late. late lunches. staying out till morning. :(

2010-06-27T02:26:00.003+08:00

i have thousands of thoughts going thru my head lately.

to find a job tt is really suitable for me.
is accounting really suitable for me.
do i want to settle down.
why am i clubbing so much.
if someone loves u wholeheartedly, but cannot commit/stay true, issit still love? will u still be happy? (think: wen lan's Sha Gua mtv)
why doesnt my mum give me more freedom.
am i neglecting alot of pple lately.
shd i go on a trip myself.
why some people talk without giving a tot to what they mean to someone else.
why do pple make use of friends.
why do pple bear to hurt those who cares alot abt/love them. am i doing the same.
why is doing the right thing always so difficult.

etc etc.

to those who have been ard w me this period and didnt judge me, i m grateful.
**

on a lighter note, ktv w max, joyce, jr just now was a good way to spend sat evening.

earlier on i was at alvin's place, trying to fix mery's wedding gift =D

watched soccer at weixiang's place last night. boring match. bahhh.

**

i think i m getting used to my life like this. and i am afraid.

afraid of changes. but i noe its inevitable, for me to bring my life back on track.

**

bought a miss selfridge romper ytd. SIZE 8!!!! omg omg omg. i can fit an 8!!!

2010-06-09T11:53:00.001+08:00

lowest peak of my life. cant breathe anymore.

2010-06-03T14:53:00.002+08:00

This is a song i heard from 200 Pounds beauty. I have watched this movie like 5 times already? (always showing on cable tv). always like this song although i have no idea what the lyrics meant.

Few days ago i downloaded this song. And manage to find the translation. its nice.

the wind is shaking the windows,and over my small room,
the stars fill up the sky, shining brightly too many to count,
the stars reassure tired me
they wipe away the many tears that are deep inside me

don’t be hurt too much..they hug me tight and pamper me
and comfort me,
telling me to go to sleep

though I’m exhausted to the point where I can’t walk
though my tears blur my vision
I’ll still smile in front of my love that I’m not able to get

Even though our happy times were short, I’ll treasure it deep inside my heart
like those countless number of stars, forever

My dream is coming. though it is unusual that my one star is bright
it is very bright, even blinding..it comes down to my shoulder
stop being so sad..it holds my hand as it touches me
and gives me a warm hug

though I’m exhausted to the point where I can’t walkthough my tears blur my vision
I’ll still smile in front of my love that I’m not able to get

Even though our happy times were short, I’ll treasure it deep inside my heart
like those countless number of stars, forever

Only for today, I won’t cry though my eyes fill with tears
I want to laugh like those stars
Oh~ I want to cherish all my happy moments deep inside my heart
Like those countless number of stars, forever

2010-05-28T00:53:00.006+08:00

theres hardly anything for me to feel the urge to blog abt anymore. esp since facebook came along. haha

but this was an interesting week!

firstly, it was mery's wedding last sun and this mon. super fun. altho sad cos i didnt take much pics w her. i feel like i m always not ard her.

but well, i still feel v happy for her. my best friend is married!!! hahaha.

the entire entourage of bridesmaid were awesome! grace, weiting, shuping, sarah, baoyi, weiling, tabby !

we had so much fun altho it was so tiring. haha.

rested on tuesday. AND went to mambo on wed!!!

its been so so so long since i went to Mambo. ESPECIALLY w the original gang. not all present, but the fun was there w kaelyn mamie :)

we reached at 1145. cheong LIT w Xiaogou, Dunk. Almost gone by 1215.

chat up w random strangers and asked if they are straight or gay.

one straight guy told me he was bi. -_-

and i made unknown calls to ask them come down to zouk.

ki siao liao.

but still! was a great night and i m still trying hard to piece everything together!! :P

i wanan go again soon.

2010-05-22T00:25:00.002+08:00

today i realised, my wonderful and complicated brain has chosen to block a lot of unwanted memories. haha. and it is all coming back to me now. great :)

2010-05-16T22:49:00.005+08:00

its a happening may.

haven been blogging cos i have been lacking quality sleep.

started my new job this monday, but left on the same week's fri. environment is not friendly, stringent, boring, close culture. most imptly, its further than i tot it was $35 morning cab. so i m on a lookout again! luckiyl i have some savings to tide me thru this "lookout" period.

went on a last min trip to HK. travelled w ben for awhile. a relaxed yet accomplished trip! found loads of good food and hes a good travel companion. love the entire trip, with the exception of the long Q at the Peak tram and i almost got into a fight w this CHEENA. @#$%(*$#(*%4309. so angry, i could push her down the tram track.

anyway this trip is smthing i wanna do, something tt is not w baby & my family. i m glad i went!

i will get my well deserve break this time, take my time to look for some job tt i really want. and also do things that i haven been able to do. e.g. gg to mambo!!!!!!!!

2 days back from trip, mery had her hens night!

seriously, i don remember much abt what happened cos i was dead tired. just remember sitting ard when the girls were pimping mery. haha. but i remmeber all the dress up part before we head out for dinner. so funn!!!!!

we were definitely attention grabber. with the whole bunch of very hawt bridesmaid :)

we put up at Klapsons for the night, so niceeeeeeeee!!

love the girls! we were brought together for mer's wedding. and they are all so spontaneous!

many people have been telling me i have lost weight. last month i bump into Joy at butter, she said so.

and last friday i met w Ellen and Tracy, they told me i look prettier and thinner than the last time i saw them during taipei countdown. following that night, met Liz at overeasy and she told me i "lost so much weight!" hahhahaha. omg i m so happy!

maybe it was because of wat i wore, but heck, most imptly i LOOK like i lost weight. hahahahaha. weeeeeeeeee

2010-04-27T01:24:00.002+08:00

3rd week of my break already. GOSH. i cant believe it.

i ended up sleeping at 7am everyday till 2 pm in the noon. and thus feeling alot of time is lost. been busy w meeting up w mery and the jiemeis to discuss abt everything.

so little time, so many things to do.

getting married can be sucha chore. sigh.

hen's night in one week, wedding in 3 weeks. and i will be away from 1st - 5th may. so paisei cos i was supposed to help sarah with her overwhelming duties for mer's wedding. :( hope i can settle as much as possible before 1st!

**

its a little awkward tt day when i met up w shuping the first time after sooo many yrs. she prob forgot that we have been v close friends before, hanging out at her house at jurong and chat on the phone all the time. because of some misunderstanding, we stopped talking to each other when we were 15.

no one cleared anything. no one mentioned. we just live on w this mistake and everyone start to forget that we were v close friends. if there was anyone who could be my real bestie, (i mean like not in a grp of 3 or 4s, she is likely to be the first and the last one)

o well, its been 10 yrs, doink ask me can we still be good friends using this opportunity. i don tink its possible because i have miss out so much in her life.

but i must say i m really happy to be able to talk to her again, like new friend.

whatever reason that we fell out over, doesnt matter to us anymore. and i m sure we will have fun at mer's wedding. :)

**

i m starting work on the 10th!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-04-20T03:29:00.002+08:00

you guys prob wont understand.

but i have the urge to fly to KL for Mayday's concert in June.

yessss.. i went to National stadium one. but that was not good enuff! :(

smthing is missing. and i hope to get it from the June concert. i have nv been an idol chaser... so i dunno what got into me :(

DONT JUDGE ME! i noe i m not 16 17 anymore la..

i just want to do smthing that i really like. and persist. i noe its mad.

but i m only young once.

hehe.

2010-04-12T01:53:00.002+08:00

on top of the crazy saga that happened on friday.

i had another drama night at boiler. mer and stella was with me then. wanted to chill out to chase away the blues so i chose boiler.

it was entertaining, no doubt abt tt.

we went to the second level of gallery bar to hide from the crowds at the main boiler floor. was in the smoking room, theres seats around and from the glass panel u can watch the entire room through the full glass panel. and there are not much pple smoking ard there, so its quite bearable. it was quite shiok to watch from upstairs as tho u are some VIP. so we watched for 2 hours, then, i saw this familiar face.

ken was there, right beside where we were standing before we went up. then i sudd remember it was his bday tt night.

i exclaimed to mery and stella after confirming it was him. then stella told me he was at the same table when we were downstairs too. and how did she noe? cos she was checking him out thinking he was quite cute. -_-

ok that doesnt bother me much. it was what i saw for the next 20 mins at least that irks me.

he was with a group of guys and 2 girls. AND he was hugging one of them by the shoulder and holding her really close to him. but i was quite sure she wasnt his gf. then, a few minutes later, he was hugging another girl, and had some intimate gesture which i don remember now already.

at that moment, i tot it was funny. because 1. its not everyday u get to watch someone who was once close to u, at this close distance & 2. without him noticing that u are spying on him.

so i continue watching his scandalous act for another 15 mins. until i can feel this bolt of unknown fire rising inside me. the very next thing i wanted to do was to throw down one of my shoe right at his face.

i tot i would never live to see these. grr.

so we concluded he's trash. n acknowledged tt i was prob blinded back then.

left boiler at 2 ish. stella saw his group outside and he was throwing up. was quite sure i didnt want to say hi and i left. . whatever.

***

almost forgot abt that night until mer reminded me to blog abt it and label it the most dramatic day of my life so far. hahahah

2010-04-11T19:21:00.005+08:00

got an offer from one bio chemical mnc. and will start on 10th May.

tendered the very next day. my vp didnt take it too well. she was v upset that i chose to leave her at this crucial period (my finance mgr tendered earlier and his last day was on 30th Apr)

she said she didnt expect me to stay here for 3 4 years, but she was confident that i would stick w her at this important period. and by choosing to look for a job now, it means she "misplaced her trust" & i was out to "set her up" & i have intention to create "chaos" in the company.

to me, my decision to leave the company wasnt a sudden one. i have been looking since last Oct. but just tt the right one never came. and as luck has it, i managed to land myself a good offer with this biochem MNC.

its a personal choice. its a wise decision made.

i had no idea why she over reacted. so i tried to think from her point of you, i can understand how she is viewing this whole saga. she feels lost. i understand that. and i would have felt the same if my staff does this to me.

but unfortunately, i am just making a choice that i deem is better for me. if one day the company decided to sack me, would they spare a tot for me too? NO.

i just did something that anyone would have done the same if putting them in the same situation.

if the SM have treated me better, listened to me more, help me when i shouted for help, everything would be different. fact is, after my FM tendered, none of the mgt pple spoke to us and assure us how things will be, and how everything will be in place. NONE.

none have ever told me or Irene how important we were. for 2 and a half yrs, headcount was 2, regardless of how many new entities and how much changes there are. we are obviously shorthanded.

instead of appreciating us, we find that we even get bullied by other pple in the company, those who help company to generate profit. no one ever, except my FM stood up for us when there are problems. blame is forever on us, even tho most of the time we made certain decisions for the benefit of the company. but it gets overwritten over and over again.

it gets quite frustrating u noe. being a professional, but they don treat me like one.

and when i tendered, my VP told me right in my face that i was not being professional and didnt see what the impact would be if i leave now.

i never expect that my resignation will cause such an ugly drama. 2.5 yrs, what i got back was disappointments, upset faces, interogating vp and anger from the mgt.

they keep saying its my fault. altho till now i don see why issit my fault, because its normal for pple to keep moving on for better prospects. issit because they haven found a replacement for my FM, thats why i cant leave?

i am really upset. really really upset. i have always respected my VP, but to her now, i am just an ingrate and unprofessional subordinate she had. and that she have learn from this incident that she will never trust pple easily again... i have no idea her words could be so strong and made me cry for v long..

no gratitude from them, no well wishes. they shd have think its a good riddance that i am out of the picture. but i noe that i didnt made the wrong choice to leave for my own well being. alot of pple supported me.

i wouldnt miss the work of cos. but i will miss my work space. our little finance room full of titbits. a patient finance manager. and the other 2 friends whom i have worked together with.

my heart is feeling heavy now while i type this. 2 and a half years is not short. i keep asking myself if given a choice, would i choose the same? or what would i have done differently to prevent this type of ending. sigh. but tts the way life is - no room for regrets and ifs.

the only regret that is probably the unhappiness i have caused my VP.

but i am thankful for the friendship i have gained from my tenure with the company. thomas, irene, clarisse, eugenia, denise, kelly, shirlyn, kumi, ellen, lulu, tracy..

2010-03-29T11:07:00.002+08:00

back from my 7 days in Hokkaido. actually it was last week.

dont feel recharged. was happy for the 7 days there, not after i come back :(

work has been messy and interpersonal relationships w some of the pple are frictional. sigh.

been on a lookout for job, went for 1 interview last week, still waiting for my agent to follow up~ seems like age is catching up on me, that is why i m not in demand anymore. comparing to local U grads who are younger, i am losing my competitive ground. BOOHOO! it used to be easier to look for job back then. all the ads on newspaper are looking for Diploma holders who needs to noe everything. of cos, cheap ma.

but then again, i don earn as much as what i am earning now, sure harder to find job.

Will be good and get myself to start my CPA course - soon.

Attending Kaelyn's solemnisation later, so excited. HAHA. but i got no more leave... :( :( its been long since i last saw her and daniel and jem etc..

i miss mery and weiling too. wonder what ling have been up to. mery was away for a few weeks already, cant imagine how life will be if she is back in indo for good.

everyone seem caught up in their own life. me too. don have the motivation to meet up w my poly peeps. the only pple i see nowadays are the poker group. good that the girls are getting along v well.

the last time e guys met for poker, we were gossiping in ray's room for hours.

2010-03-05T11:59:00.002+08:00

i remember last time youtube used to remove drama serials due to infringement of copyright. so i had to resort to other sites like tudou.com, lolo.cc for my dosage of dramas. . but they seem to have step down a bit on these and i m surprised i manage to find 下一站，幸福 uploaded.

now if u havent heard of 下一站，幸福, this is apparently the hottest drama in Taiwan now. i quit Taiwan drama long ago.. cos they are very very cheesy. my favourite is still Meteor Garden. haha. then i moved on to Korean drama, but its very draggy. then finally now i m stick to HK dramas. prob got smthing to do w my age. hahahaa. watching HK drama w my mommy became my fav pastime whenever i am at home

back to 下一站，幸福, not those typical taiwan drama, its more realistic and touching. not about those stupid 爱到死 scripts la. although i m not super hooked on to it, i will watch it on my iPhone every morning on my way to work...

Youtube also have Home Decor Survivor series!! going to go thru the whole series to get inspiration for my home~

But i think its a torture to watch video on iPhone. always make me very dizzy.. zzzz.

2010-03-04T11:43:00.003+08:00

some pple are just not worth the extra effort.

if this person didnt even bother to put us as priority, why shd i? why shd we?

its not like i nv try. .. i tried, i tried to maintain our friendship..but it ends up all the same..

there is always something else that seems more important. i don remember when was the last time i heard tt u sacrifice your time for smthing or smone else for me..

i really believe it all boils down to how much i m worth to you. everything else may just be excuses..

2010-03-04T11:36:00.003+08:00

cant believe my trip is just next week~ zzz.

have alot of things to do and buy before i fly, but super lazy to go fulfill them~

when i come back i will be ultimately broke.

**

went hi t w the girls at Regents last Sunday~ shun bian check out Mer's ballroom so tt stella can have a rough idea of how she can help mer w the deco.

**

Bday girls this week: Grace & Isabel

Happy bday babes~ <3<3

**

Checked out beaufort suite on Monday evening. its soooo niceee..

Amara looks a bit small to accomodate 30 pax lo. ..

will get more inspiration from upcoming weddings and ROM!

2010-02-19T09:48:00.002+08:00

u noe one thing good and irritating abt Whatsapp (iphone messenger)?

its that as long as u have that person's number in ur phone book u can chat with this person (he(he/she doesnt have to accept ur friend request or what-not) and u see when was the last time he/she last checked his/her whatsapp.

so, meaning if you sent the person a text at 7am. THEN he/she didnt respond. AND when i see his/her last log in time was, say 9 am.

it means he/she saw ur text but chose to either:

1. Ignore it
2. reply later and conveniently forgot abt it

i will always think its the 1st.

2010-02-12T09:21:00.005+08:00

its CNY already! omg.

documents that need to be sorted are still lying on my computer chair!! :(
haven went for my eyebrow trimming!! i m celebrating the CNY with messy brows! argh.
haven color my hair! half of it is black and the other half is fading yellowish brown..

and theres no half day at office today! FML

**

Work wise, everything is pretty messed up. but me and my partner have decided to quit together w my Manager in April. so basically the entire team will be gone and they need to recruit new blood.

would love to see hw they react to everyone quitting at the same time. ha ha ha.

the bosses are rich and sick pple. :(

**
realised that wed's KB class is more shiong than monday's. no wonder its forever fully booked. muaha. feel great after the 1 hr workout tho.

and for once i tot an instructor is cute.. haha. for sure there is more motivation to go for classes~lol.

headed for a drink at O bar w ben afterwards..

so irritating lo. sbs directory is not updated one lo. ended up i have to walk from Park mall to MS. zzz.

it was a good night tho. for a few hours i managed to force myself not to think abt the stupid work stuff. just chilling and people watching.

but drinking after workout and without dinner didnt make my tummy feels well. esp after tt tequila pop, courtesy of Chester.

had a bad hangover the next day, but had to drag myself to work. ..bought mac brekkie to cheer myself up~

o well..

**

Random:

2010-02-11T10:54:00.001+08:00

我是一只没有脚的小鸟

2010-02-09T17:35:00.006+08:00

- don be someone who will only move abit when i shove u abit...

- hate pple to go quiet on me.. it makes me feel like i am talking to a wall and the wall is not listening. MAKE A NOISE.

not everything need to be conversed to you before you go and do it. . if everything have to be spell out clearly, its kind meaningless..

and no, doing it after i tell you off doesnt work either.

- if i show u something, take a look. dont have to respond to me straight away. but dont totally forget abt it and think it never happened.

- don always let me be the one who initiate a meeting or a sms/phone call. if u feel like seeing me, SAY.

- sometimes, a little bit of persistence can help to convince me. ..

- acting cute or depressed or pretend nothing happen or baby-talk me after you pissed me off will only make things worst. shows how insincere u are.

basically u need to remember that i need some attention. i m not dating a robot, who will only work according to settings and instructions from me ..i need a bf with initiative and puts in equal effort to maintain the relationship..

zzzzzzzzzzz

2010-02-08T09:45:00.003+08:00

Booked my Hokkdaido trip last Sat.

first time paying for a trip for my family. damn broke now. total fare adds up to abt 6K.

but u shd see the smile on my mom's face when i paid. i guess its worth it afterall . hehe.

i used to be away with my entire family (incl. my aunts and uncles and cousins) during CNY every year when i was in Secondary school. i didnt have to pay a single cent then. just pack and go. so i took it for granted that its an SOP that we have to follow for a few years. Japan, Thailand, Korea, China, Taiwan etc etc, year after year until Zhiwei got enlist.

so it had been many years since all of us can travel together again!

wa.. come to think of it, it must be hard on my mom and dad having to pay in full for the whole trip. =X i can totally feel the pinch now..

maybe this time round i will appreciate the trip more since i m paying for it. EAT MORE!! HOKKAIDO CRAB AND SEAFOOD!!! WOOt!!!!

SUPER EXCITED! 13 - 19 Mar 2010!!

follow by Mayday's Outdoor Concert at Padang on 17th Apr!
yes, i m gg to see them again. hahaha. this time w my fellow mayday's fan!

then kaelyn's solemnisation party..

looking forward to Mar and Apr, so i guess time will pass by super fast, before i know it, it would be mery's wedding already! (another event that i m excited about)

2010 will be exciting!

Random shot in Taipei before countdown.

p/s: i m posting a random shot of taipei every now and then cos baby always complain i nv blog abt it. aiya.. lazy ma.. post up pics can liao. :)

2010-01-30T13:51:00.008+08:00

Our Story

so i guess its abt time i post this. haha.

since i have already sign the documents for the flat, there is no turning back now. BOOHOO! hhahaha. =X

The Plan

back in 2008, he told me he wanted to ballot for flat in BV area. i was only 22 then? but he say, well, 1) the flat is BTO, so will take time and the flat will only be ready in 2012, 2) his friend balloted many times, but nv succeed, so he tot he may not be so lucky.

we were lucky enuff to get the ballot the first time round. -__-.

Area is ard BV and Dover area. After considering the price and date of delivery of the flat and alot of fights and persuasion for me to agree to the application, we chose Dover Crescent.

after which, he read all the letters from HDB and settle everything almost by himself, and i didnt want to be part of it. cos i m seriously not ready for such a big commitment then..

The Proposal

Marked our 4 years together in August 2009.

Throughout these years we had loads of fun, had loads of fights, met some crisis & met new pple, but we pulled through.

But still i was still not ready to get married, cos to me, my ideal age of getting married is 26. i used to want to get married by 24 when i was 16? when i was working back in IRN, because married above 24 years old is Q (haha, u may not noe this if u don work for irn). But as i grow older, i know 24 is so not a good age because i will still have lots of things left undone.

Need to do housework
Need to wait on ur husband.
Need to juggle family & work
Need to face the fact that the husband may not treat u as well as dating time.
Need to stop partying
Need to give birth. o.m.g

etc etc.

knowing that this person can take care of me and my family forever is not enuff to offset all these fears.

so i told him i will let him when i am ready so that he can propose to me.

Mery got engaged in August, followed by Kaelyn.. and many others ard me. they kinda inspired him so he started making plans.

5th Dec 2009. He collaborated w his friends and proposed to me on my bday party in the presence of my closest friends. really caught me off guard. he took the risk of me rejecting him since i wasnt ready.

and because i was a bit tipsy so i told him he have to propose to me again because i don wan to end up recalling the proposal in a blur and didnt like the idea that it was under peer pressure, although it was attention seeking. haha.

our friends were cheering him on as well as strangers ard us.

just wat i wanted. slim setting w solitaire. :)

So he proposed again during our Taipei trip. haha.

Under Taipei's sky, under 101, i finally realised that i m really gg to be his wife and readily felt happy for the first time and not fear. :)

The Problem

Our BTO ended 2 years earlier than expected. so we received a letter from HDB asking us to collect the keys and produce our ROM cert.

But ROM is not in our agenda until 2012 :(

we went to seek help from MP to postponed the key collection but was useless. so we tried something else to delay, shall not share here. hehe.

we went to see our flat (exterior) one fine day and we totally love the vicinity. haha.

and we collected our keys ytd!! super excited!!!

Now we own a flat! well, not until we produce our marriage cert, but i don care. HAHAHA.

to be continued....

Note to baby: Sorry baby if i always disappoint u with my reaction and non chalant attitude towards yr commitment. i noe that it is a huge decision u have made to "entrust" urself to me and i appreciate it, just need more time..

as they always say, do not marry someone that u can live with, but someone u can nv live without. i cant imagine hw i can live without u. :)

2010-01-27T18:09:00.001+08:00

Marriage is not a blind trend for u to follow.

doesnt matter if all ur peers are getting married, if u are not ready, then dont.

zzzzzzz

2010-01-26T16:30:00.002+08:00

guess wats this???

i saw someone selling online...

my first tot was.. headphone..

but its actually....

tadah! C string..

dots...

2010-01-24T14:47:00.005+08:00

STOP MENTAL TORTURING ME.

my mom gave birth to me when she was in her mid 30s. so when all my peer's parents are not in their late 40s, or early 50s, my parents are approaching their 60s.

i grew up in a healthy family.

my dad is a responsible dad, compared to many other fathers around. he have a stable job, though doesnt fetch much, he will give allowances to my mom every month. for many years he have been the sole bread winner until i started working when i was 20. However, my mom started working then too, in order to see me through my uni. So all 3 of us have to work in order for me to finsih my studies. its tough. but i graduated anyway.

He doesnt have much hobbies, he doesnt gamble (only 4D), doesnt smoke, doesnt drink. he likes to watch tv drama and read the papers or just walk/cycle ard the neighbourhood after dinner.

He loves me. And i believe he loves my mom. prob just doesnt know hw to express it.

Everytime my mom will be damn pissed at him because he wasnt sensitive to what he said or do, end up they quarrel alot.

My mom is a typical housewife. Her health has always been weak since i was sensible. I remember her staying in the hospital for months when i was in Primary school. Things got a bit better when i was in sec sch, she started her part time job as a baby sitter, but she still manages the household well. till today.

i used to be closer to my dad when i was v young, he will bring me to the Science center every sunday or bring me to swim. but we hardly talk ever since i got into sec sch. then i started being closer to my mom..

Call me a spoilt brat, but my mom never let me touch any housework. It used to be because i tot i always have my mom to do it for me, but now that i watch her body giving way day by day, she refused to let me do any house work because she is someone who only trusts herself.

I tried vacuuming the floor,but she will complain i wont do a gd job. i tried washing the dishes, she say my hands are sensitive, so i cant touch the detergents. i tried washing my own clothes, she say it doesnt smells good. i tried cooking dinner, she say i dirty her kitchen.

i asked her to teach me, she say dont need, she rather do things by herself.

lately her complaints of body ache and weak knees are increasing. i asked her to stop working at the Airport canteen, but she say she will work till March. i know why she doesnt want to leave th e job no matter how tired or unwell she feels, its because she don want to put on additional pressure on me or my dad.

it pains me to see her suffer, but yet she doesnt let me do anything abt it.

just now, she was climbing onto one high chair to clean the high walls. i told her not to, and i will do it for her. she was panting (she got slight breathing problem) while she was twisting the wet towel, but she turn down my offer as always. she say she doesnt want me to touch the water because it is acidic, i told her its fine because its only for a while.

its ok my hands get itchy than risking her to fall from the high chair, right?

so when i demanded to help, she raised her voice at me and say that she has been doing this for all her life and i wouldnt noe hw she wants to clean it. and the person who can help (my dad) is watching tv in the room. so i was quite pissed and told her why she wants to torture me mentally and stomp out of the kitchen.

as a result, i fell and knock e side of my head and my left foot.

i cried, not only because its painful, but i feel useless. i cant help n i hurt myself instead and i started thinking, what if my mom is the one tt hurt herself????????

i will be guilty forever because she didnt trust me to help her.

my mom n dad immediately came to look at me and ask if i was ok in a very very concerned tone. knowing she have cause me to hurt myself, she must have feel the pain too.

i feel tired..

i know its my responsibility to take care of them. and i will. no matter what it takes.

but i really really dunno hw to deal w my stubborn parents. my mom refusing to rest when its weekend, my dad refusing to see the doctor when he was ill etc etc.

i feel like placing doink at my place everyday because only when he is ard, my mom is happy and she wont fight w my dad.

i don earn little. peers who earn e same amount of money as me can afford fine dining every month, branded bags, parties.

if u may not noe, the reason why i scrimp n save is in hope that i can give my mom more allowances, so that my mom can retire. and the reason that i hardly stay over at doink's place or staying out for both weekends is because i try to be home as much as possible.

i love them too. but i hope they can stop mental torturing me and start to listen to what i have to say.

2010-01-20T10:53:00.003+08:00

went gym on monday, but ended up putting everything back yesterday at Ramen Marutama w Ben. -_-

almost bought the Macha Chiffon cake from Tampopo Deli for desert, luckily they were closing for the day. haha. its v yummy btw, try if u have a chance to~ :) its located at the basement of Liang Court, at one deserted corner.

their cream puff is highly raved, but personally i think its over rated. beard papa still my fav~

**
talking to ben yesterday totally reminds me of what happened to me 5 yrs back. zzz..

tt feeling is still somewhat vivid when he described it to me~ hopefully i wont be able to experience it again~ unless baby decided to run away with some younger/slimmer slut. :(

i don mean to gloat over his misery, but i would never expect him to experience how it feels to have a broken heart.

i guess he just haven met the right one. until now.

well, going through these are just another phase of growing up. i have been thru it so many times~ but his seem to came too late. :)

better late than never. haha.

oh yes, its an insult to me that this is the FIRST TIME he hurt so much about losing a certain somebody. including me. hahahaha.

but i have long accepted the fact that what happened between us (10 yrs ago) was nothing more than _________. <--- i dunno what to fill in in the blank. definitely not LOVE. nor infatuation. puppy love maybe? haha. so it doesnt really bother me.

i m sure everything will turn out well for him~~

**

i feel guilty that i have so many bags, but am only using 2 or 3. i bought 2 shoulder bags in Taiwan. love them, but cant bear to use them~~~

i think total abt 12 bags as of now. and i m still buying~ shd buy more shoes from now!

**

2010-01-19T13:38:00.004+08:00

4 out of 5 colleague sharing the same room as me is using iphone. and the odd one out is yours truly. even my HR who just came back from maternity leave and is super not tech savvy is using her husband's iphone. dots.

day in day out, they will play w their ip, download stuff and TALK abt it across the room.

this will soon be a problem for me because we longer have common topic. :(

ask me if i really NEED an iphone. answer is NO.

ask me if i really WANT an iphone. answer is maybe. because i wont be so bored every morning travelling to work.

i nv like to carry/use stuff that EVERYONE is using (just like i nv buy any Nokia phones before). but Apple is dominating SG like no body's business, it seems like i need to get an ip to feel like human.

but whats e point of bonding myself for 2 yrs with an expensive plan to get the phone cheap?

decisions decisions.

saw Gerald that day at Pioneer when i was having supper w Shirlynn and her family. hmm..

wasnt convenient to say hi~

office politics on the rise recently. suddenly realise that there are no body i can trust in this place. heard some facts and rumours that has been affecting my morale. prob time for a change~

**
i miss taipei muchie muchie!

sunset during my flight. lovely.

2010-01-08T10:22:00.001+08:00

dont understand how some people can give 2nd hand stuff as bday present/xmas present?? esp if it is no longer in good shape/with scratches/used. mm..

2010-01-05T11:38:00.002+08:00

i m currently suffering from karma for being away for 4 days at work (2 days actually, because the other 2 days was weekend anyway)

dozens of work piled on my desk. everything is urgent. but i just couldnt get my engine started. BOO!

Had a great trip at Taipei again! i kept thinking if i will ever grow sick of Taipei. My boss ask me why i like Taipei so much, seriously i dunno? i have been to quite a few countries, HK, Japan, Korea, various parts of China, thailand, but never one that will keep me wanting to go back again and again~~

maybe its the people.. they are all so nice and smiley and happy
maybe its the weather.. twice i went it was quite chilly..i prob wouldnt like it this much if i went during their summer period. (hotter than SG)
maybe its the food.. bubble tea, bbq stuff etc etc..
maybe its the environment.. everything is in order, people are not kiasu like in sg
maybe its the influence of Mayday!!! HAHAHAA.

oh well..i guess its a bit of everything.

****

My new year resolution!

1. Go for driving practice religiously.
2. Get my driving license. (To fulfill this, i have to fulfill 1)
3. Start my CPA Course in June
4. Braces?
5. Bring my family on the Hokkaido trip in April
6. To see Mayday again~~ hahha
7. Get out of my comfort zone and find another job
8. Get ready to settle down with the one who love me
9. Spend more time with Mery before she leaves in April :(
10. To reach office every morning by 9am
11. Meet up more with long lost friends or those important to me
12. Pamper myself more (e.g go for more manicures, facials, hotel stays)
13. Go to gym at least once a week.
14. Force mommy to give me more housework.
15. Pick up cooking
16. Spend more quality time with my family.
17. Being less careless in my work.
18. Plan for New Year countdown trip @ ___________

hwa, super long.

2009-12-28T22:52:00.002+08:00

flying to taipei tomorrow! mixed feelings..

looking forward to it, yet that means its gg to end soon :(

and my packing status is still at 0% .

oh well.

P/s: mommy say next yr is Tiger Year, so don wan me to get married. YAY! so happy! at least she wont force me to get married next year! WAHAHAHAHA.. i want to enjoy my girl friends' wedding next year!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2009-12-21T18:15:00.001+08:00

Love vs Infatuation.

which one stays w u for life..?

2009-12-21T12:15:00.002+08:00

finally done w my xmas shopping. phew~ spent 200+ on presents this yr~~ * ouch*

Looking forward to my trip in 8 days! wee! but its scary how fast time flies.

managed to meet up with a few group of peeps i havent met for a long time in the past 1 month.. so its quite a fulfillin year end for me :)

Have a Merry Xmas everyone! I love u all~~ *muacks*

"some times are not worth holding on; gotta move along"

2009-12-09T15:20:00.005+08:00

4 days after my bday party. i have finally settle my mood + lack of slp and started blogging this.

IDefinitely a very special and unforgettable birthday party.

Am glad most of my besties were there to celebrate this special day with me! :) Enjoy myself loaddddddddddddddddsssssss. Sorry i tink i didnt manage to keep everyone entertained but i still hope they enjoy themselves in a way or another. Especially those who left earlier because those who stayed until the end MUST have enjoyed themselves. HEHEHE.

*but i look fugly weird in most pictures. :(

Happy bday to myself! 24 liao!

I have learn from my bday this yr that, we cannot take some people for granted. With that, i mean my colleagues. (Not my friends, because i nv take any one of them for granted ^^ )

6 of them, out of which 2 is no longer my colleague, 2 is on maternity leave. they have no obligations to get me a bday present, especially the 2 who is no longer working w me and it is not an usual practice to give bday presents. But they gave me this:

So touched can! its the most practical and at the same time special bday present i have ever received. LOVE THEM SO MUCH! with 3K TWD, i can really eat alot alot alot of food. hehehe.

And also Doink's friends, Max and Joseph + their gfs, Joyce & Bel. They are really damn nice and helpful and fun lo~ i knew Max since i met Doink, but i was never close to him, cos he talks alot of crap and always make fun of Doink. But recently, i begin to see another side of him. Jo & Max help Doink w the surprise & flowers & cake. awwwwwwwwwww. THANKIEWSSSSSSS.

Side track:

Loving my new shoesssssssss. H&M inspired lace up wedges. SUPER COMFY. Wore this to my SPECTACULAR party. :)

2009 is coming to an end. Looking forward to next year because i will be busy with Mery's wedding prep! =D

2009-12-02T15:56:00.002+08:00

The Pink Blackberry Bold with white and pink sapphire diamonds and the Pink 3G iPhone 16GB with white diamonds. The Pink Blackberry Bold is embedded with a total of 328 diamonds (86 in the front and 242 at the back) The diamonds have a color F-G, Clarity of VS1 and a Bezel carat of approximately 3.95 phone has a 24hr one year international concierge service and sets you back $5,700

Credits to nicolechen.net

OMG. baby, buy this for me and i will marry u straight away. AHHAHAHAHA.

ok. i m kidding.~~~ :P

2009-11-19T18:51:00.002+08:00

Last week, i told him i was ready. told him wat kind of ring i like, what kinda flowers, talked abt our honeymoon. so he was was excited.

This week, i changed my mind. not ready again. and ask him not to do anything funny soon! HAHHA.

so yesterday night he told me, he shd get everything ready soon, so the next time i told him i m ready, he will do all necessary, lest i change my mind again.

tsk tsk.

i m so fickle minded. even when it comes to such important life events. mmm..

2009-11-17T12:26:00.002+08:00

时间的逼近，让我不安.

Stelly will be having her birthday next week end. THAT MEANS DECEMEBER IS HERE!

omg, i cannot believe it. and the following weekend will be MY BIRTHDAY.

seriously, time passes so fast and i hate. :(

wat am i doing for my bday? i really dunno. i always tot i have plenty of time to plan since mine is in December. But now i am only 2 weeks away.

this yr, surprisingly, most of my friends wanted to party, including Grace n Hanzi. so maybe i will have a drinking party at some place after all. since i don tink there will be much opportunity for everyone to get together for a party session. :) and the fact that we are all getting older is not gg to make organising parties easier. AHHAHA.

o well.. we'll see.

**

Met up w the babes yesterday at Tawandang.

yummy thai food. great place. fine weather. Upset Stella. aha.. she met w a traffic accident on her way to meet us and she was REALLY lucky she was unhurt.

again, they gave prep talk for my career. i know they meant well. i know.......but everytime i hear it from them, i feel so stressed. :(

i know its prob for my own good that i shd leave my current comfort zone and seek an adventure at some Big 4 co or Govt Sector or some MNC.

but my previous interview with G__ really leave me quite demoralised. :( study so hard so 2 yrs only to find that we are really not on par with pple from local unis. sigh.

everytime i tell Mery that i cannot be compared w pple with local uni degree, she give me this puzzled look like, "no.. tts not true".. but its true babe, look at all those job portals, alot of them are explicitly looking for "ACCA or Local Degree". I mean, i dont despise myself that i m not a local Uni grad, but somethings really cannot be compared.

mery and stella makes a lot of sense though. maybe i m running away from my responsibility, hiding at this corner of my office, blogging. low stress comes w a price.

i m prob not underpaid la. maybe just on par w market average. but since i m looking at a better quality of life, i guess its time 2 be a bit more ambitious~~ so that i can live comfortably right??

if i don strive now at the age of 23, when will be the right time??

i will give this all a very serious thought. And it will be my next new year resolution. . .

so, frm today onwards, i shall work harder and learn more things from my mentor, so tt i will be more confident in my next job seek!!!

**

On a brighter note, Taipei is less than 2 mths away!

2009-11-12T10:37:00.005+08:00

November is gg to be an exciting month.

Am trying to meetup with as much peeps as possible.

Met up w Ling ytd at HV. More on that later.

Hanzi, Grace and Yu on Saturday! we are gg picnic! YAY

Still in the midst of arranging w my poly mates for dinner, the day after my meetup w my x colleagues. :)

have been endangering my liver lately. now a frequent party goer at St james. ok. not exactly frequent, but i went there 3 times for baby's friend's bday party (they were together during BMT, cos their bdays were one after another)

Happy to have a new party group. my last party group was.. the mambo peeps. which was really fun and lasted for abt 6 mths.. before everyone started to get busy w own lives. oh well.

anyway, back to the group.

3 couples and a few loose guys. HAHA. loose as in not taken la. hahaa. fun bunch

Bday balloons we got for Max. aww. so nice.. :) Glad he love it as much as we does. Doink and i had to meetup early to get it (shop closes at 8) and lug it ard Orchard road before meeting them. LOL.

Well, we shall wait and see how long will this group last. although Doink is v confident that it will definitely last because they have made a pact to meetup for all upcoming bdays. at least 3 of them's.

Oh.. and as some of them may be aware. One of them have an uncanny resemblance w one of my ex. If u do not know by now, u are not my close friend. HAHAHAHA. just joking.

Met up w Ling yesterday at El Patio for Mexican food! <3>

Always prefer tt to Cha x 3. Glad we shared the same taste for Mexican food!

Unlike usual meetings, which there will always be me, ling and Mery, there was only 2 of us yesterday cos mery was back in indo ~~ stella needed someone to drink with, so i asked her down to have dessert w us. she wanted to come, but was held up at work. by the time she was done, i was already on my way home. hehehe. next time, stel :)

Ling is a very straightforward person. so i always feel comfortable sharing my tots w her, because she will be really honest w her comments. good or no good. right or wrong. although, of cos, not all the time we share the same conclusions. but its good to hear someone on the other side. yup. :)

we ran out of topics at abt 9 plus. prob cos my life was too boring. haha. but u noe the thing they say abt best friends, that is even when there is no verbal conversations between 2 best friends, they still feel comfortable in silence. hehe.

looking forward to see my other besties soon!

Bday in 3 weeks! omg omg. i cant believe its Dec already!!!!!! sigh.

2009-11-03T23:32:00.000+08:00

these few days i have been feeling a bit down. abit .. hopeless.

i mean, how can i still be affected by people tt already walked out of my life many years ago????

some songs keep ringing in my head. i cant see to get rid of it.
some flashbacks of those few moments.

issit me not letting myself to forget abt it? or i cant forget abt it?

talking to Gwenie on MSN makes me feel alot better, because i cannot think of a more appropriate person to talk to abt this.

If i tell my other girls, they will prob roll their eyes at me and ask me to give them a break. -_-

luckily i m on leave tomorrow~ can slp in late

2009-11-01T16:15:00.003+08:00

Much anticipated Halloween is over.

But it was a quiet and quarrelsome one for me.

Caught This is it with Mery and Perry. Went home after that because Doink flares up the moment i talk abt Halloween party. i havent figure out why. but i felt that it was selfish of him to do that. but because i respect him, i didnt insist on going.

He gave me reason like, who is going to take care of u if i go to St James to meet Desmond by myself. Thats not a valid reason, because i went to party many times myself and surely he knows i wont get myself dead drunk and am capable of self control, so why wld i need someone to take care of me? In fact, he havent been there most of the time when i go clubbing, no?

Sigh. I know sometimes i shouldnt put fun in front of him. But i am quite upset that he attempts to stop me from doing things that i want to do.

I realised its hard to compromise with him on certain things. He have problem understanding what i want. tho i know its hard on him, cos sometimes i don mean what i say. :(

sigh. whatever~

One thing worth mentioning for about yesterday : This guy dressed like Sadako was running around in Cineleisure scaring pple. And he got me! haha. Brave guy. He ran from afar and purposely drop to the floor to scare the shopping girls. WTF!

2009-10-26T16:59:00.003+08:00

topshop is having sale!!

was eyeing this bustier dress, but couldnt bear to paid the full price ($129), but now its at $69!! Wee!

saw it at Marina Sq on Sat, but they didn have my size. So headed to Suntec to try my luck. no avail too. finally found it at Raffles City! Happy happy! Thanks baby for walking ard w me to get the dress. hes more excited than me. The moment we step into Raffles City Topshop, he hopped to the sales rack and ransacked for my size~ haha. <3

its good to have a bf who doesnt mind shopping w u~ but still, i m more used to shop alone, own time, own target. although no opinions.

Halloween is this weekend. doubt i will be doing anything~ save $ for my trip!!

addicted to HK drama serials at the moment!

missing my girlies muchie~

My latest buy from ASOS! received it in less than 2 weeks. spree organiser was really efficient. love it to bits! just tt i may not have much chance to wear it~

2009-10-14T13:39:00.004+08:00

for those who doesnt know~ i will be doing my NYE Countdown this year at Taipei~ YAY!

its like a dream come true!! i have always wanted to see hw pple in other country celebrate NYE, especially Taipei cos of the amazing fireworks i always see on TV. I m no longer looking forward to NYE in Singapore. boring. zz.

Can also visit my taiwan colleagues!!

it was a tough process getting him to go w me. but he relented anyway. thanks baby~

it will be fun~ :) :) i m so so so so excited.

p/s: i tink i m so easy to please~ so excited as if i m gg to some faraway land. HA HA. Doink is a fortunate man~~~ :)

2009-10-14T13:25:00.004+08:00

ok. i have been lazy. haha.

crashed 4b1's mini gathering last friday at zouk~~ :)

was quite boring~ my zouk's stamp didnt allow me to go phuture, so i m stuck in zouk with trance and house. music that i don appreciate. zzzzzz. was good seeing them tho~ Pity ling couldnt make it cos she got an early flight the next day~~

2009-09-27T05:01:00.002+08:00

Its 5.01am now.

just back from St James, Boiler.

Was celebrating Doink's birthday with his army buddies.

havent stay till a club closes since the last time at butter with Mery and Stella. But this time round i was staying outside the club for most of the time, because Mr Doink was drunk. :(

Had to trouble Stella and Alvin to send him back because i m not gg to his place. feel super super bad. :(

Was celebrating Doink's birthday with his army buddies.

Its quite a waste because the "attendance" this yr was quite good. Most of them turned up unlike last year, only Max and Junior.

Appreciate Stella and Mery who came down to accompany me :) :) Bumped into Ling's brother, Ken, and he can only recognise Doink, but not me, Mery, Stella or Alvin. Weird.

I met someone who has uncanny resemblance with GT. mm..

saw his fb the other day, and i didnt feel a thing like i used to. happy. but not sure why i feel so..................... weird when i saw someone who resembles him. dots.

2009-09-22T11:28:00.003+08:00

20 09 2009

Just another day for me. Similarly for 09 09 09.

haha. but i m v sure its not just another day to 2 close friends. :)

Eugenia gave birth to Baby Zachary at 1.30AM! went to visit little Zac ytd at Mount A . Hes so adorable!!

Weighing 3.8KG but he doesnt look fat! His EDD was 11 Sep, so was late for abt 2 weeks before he decided to come into this world. ~~ But hes quite smart to avoid the lunar 7th month! haha.

Received an sms at 4Am on Monday morning~ It was Kaelyn. And Eric has proposed! She will be Mrs Zhang real soon! Shes super excited!! And i m happy for her.

2 of my besties got hitched in 2 months!! HAHAHA. i am so excited!! ( i tink i m more excited than they are).

Always didnt want to be the first~ now that there will 2 of them in front of me, i feel much at ease.

Used to shun topics of marriage and all because i feel i m not ready. Only 24 this yr! But all the new borns, proposals, wedding rings, wedding dinners is starting to grow in me.

I have one colleague who is 6 mths pregnant now, my boss just gave birth to twins few mths ago and also Eugenia who just gave birth. Can u imagine hw its like to be lunching w them? They will start sharing infos on babies and labour bla bla. so i tink i m quite pro now~~~ LOL

BUT, not to worry, i don foresee myself getting married in 1 yr's time. And no baby in 4 year's time.

HE HE HE.

2009-09-11T17:54:00.002+08:00

i havent done anything for the wholeeeeeee week.

brought my gym stuff on monday and left it in office until today.

was supp to go on Monday, but was feeling under the weather. then hoping to go on Wed, but class was fully booked.

Realised i book the wrong driving class on Thursday~ its supposed to be next week instead of this week~ luckily i checked before i went to BBDC.

so basically i just OT on Tuesday, the rest of the time i either meet baby for dinner or accompany mommy at home.

it sudd strikes me that its prob part of growing OLD.

or maybe i m just plain lazy. HA HA HA

so lazy = old.

ok lets not be lazy ok! i shall update if i manage to force myself to go to New Body class on Sunday~

looking forward to the nxt 2 days because i will be staying at RASA SENTOSA!! =)

2009-09-08T13:27:00.001+08:00

A... says:
if u can afford the spare cash
A... says:
then go lor
A... says:
dream r meant to b fulfilled if not y haf it

true enough, but somethings are beyond our control, some dreams are not within our reach.

2009-09-04T13:21:00.001+08:00

"人們說的荒唐，卻是我的，心中的天堂。
十年前的我們很倔強，十年後的我們更放肆。"

阿信

2009-09-04T09:32:00.002+08:00

:(

wanted to go for a break. but baby say only on 2 conditions he will go w me. :( :(

trying v hard to fulfill this 2 conditions...

**

Went to Chevrons for Kenny's Bday party.

The guys as usual was gambling. and the girls was on FB and online shopping. LOL.

i m suffering from Post Mayday Concert Syndrome. been fantasizing abt attending their concert again in another country, maybe Tokyo or Taipei. But Taipei's tickets all sold out! :(

rare to find a Chinese band who performs sooooo well. :) songs ah xin wrote is always so inspiring.

try it if u haven :)

2009-08-30T01:42:00.004+08:00

十年前，一次KTV，我第一次听见了终结孤单，也认识了五月天。

第一次恋爱，他说他喜欢听憨人。

几年后，另一个他很喜欢知足。

结过，我还是最喜欢温柔

不知不觉，五月天陪我走过好多青春岁月。还有那写年少轻逛的日子.

２００８年，和心爱的他第一次去看演唱会。听见阿信那首现场的温柔，我感动的哭了。

２００９年８月２８日，我和他再次去捧场，结果，唱完最后一首憨人，他们都哭了。一定是回想起他们一路走来，从莫莫无名，到今天能站在世界的舞台。

现场气纷好感人，差一点又哭了。特别是最后大家一起lalala的时侯 :(

感谢十年前给他们机会的伯乐,

感谢五月天对音乐的坚持,

和所有相信他们的音乐的人，我们和更年轻一代的朋友才能一直听见好音乐。

无论是２００８的JUMP，还是２００９年的DNA，都是我一生难忘的表演。并没有后悔连续两年都来JUMP. 阿信写的每一首歌都好棒。真是天才!

不晓得，十年后，五月天会变得怎样，我们又会变得怎样，但只要他们继续唱，我一定会继续听!~

我爱五月天我爱阿信 :)

P/s: 总觉得有他们在的一天，乐檀应该都还有希望。拜拖叫那些什么什么堂的，不要让大家的耳朵再受罪吧

P/p/s: Will be dealing alot w Taiwan colleagues so practicing my Chinese writing! :)

- Serene

2009-08-27T23:23:00.002+08:00

sick.

havent felt like this for a long long time.

wobbly legs. feeling warm and cold. everything was in a blur.

MC for 2 days.

doc say it was high fever. 38 degree c.

And Mayday's concert is just tomorrow night.

hope i will be better by then.

2009-08-17T10:07:00.003+08:00

When we were all young, we spent hours w our besties and dream about our perfect wedding. the perfect man that we will marry. the perfect place to go for our honeymoon..ya-dah ya-dah..

When we are all grown up. everything seems to be abit less than perfect. Eventually, we will meet a man that is imperfect, one who doesnt look like a prince charming and get married in a not-so-fairytale-like manner...

but this man love us unconditionally.. and we will live happily ever after. :)

True Love is not Loving a Perfect Person but Loving an Imperfect Person Perfectly.

P/s: don make guesses. its not my turn to get married yet~~i m just happy for my friend. :)

2009-08-11T10:16:00.003+08:00

wa lau! had shaker fries 3 times the past 1 week. damn sinful ~~ until i m so sick of it already. GOOD. hopefully i don end up munching it for the next 7 days~~

anyway, i tink all 3 times was with Doink. HAHA. he must have put on the same amt of fats as me!!!!!!!!! we make a good couple, cos we both have FAT FACE.. (of cos his face is MUCCCCCCCH larger)~~

Fulfilling for past 2 weeks. Team building. KTV w colleagues. 4th year anniversary~~~

4th yr liao leh.. so fast. he have officially broke my record. my longest was abt 3.5 yrs i tink. and he seems to be proud of this threshold. <3

need to buck up on my driving practice!!!

2009-08-07T11:50:00.003+08:00

Serene took the What are you hiding from people? quiz and the result is Jealousy
Your mind will always have a question, why can't i be like HER/HIM? you think that your life is so tough, but others are much better. you get jealous easliy, even when your best friend seem to be closer to another person. sometime the jealousy may turn into the feeling of anger which make you hate some people so much.

Link: http://apps.facebook.com/what-are-you-ibjebck/?target=result&h=03704a14a8e689239dde2e3ee030b407&result=3801290&nodlg=1

Try it~ i tink the first part is really true for me . lol