since the last entry, we hardly fought about him going drinking and stuff.
i have learn to keep quiet, even though i still do not like it. mainly cos he has been spending more money he should on drinking than other things (which he knows as well, but doesnt stop him from doing things differently) and for his health (lack of sleep and constant doses of alcohol)
i know it wont make a difference, even if we fought abt it, talked abt it, argued abt it. he wont stop. so i stopped talking abt it. maybe he cut down a good 10 - 20%, but he wont stop.
we have talked many times about how it can improve. be it going back earlier on work nights.
initially it will be 12+ 1+ after we talked abt it. then 2. then 2 +.
one thing i will never understand is what is the fun of sitting ard in pub, talking to pple u hardly know, compete w how much u can drink, spend tt kinda money every alternate days and in return, not enuff sleep, stone, loss of focus at work.
maybe once or twice a week yes, sometimes he can do it for 4 times a week. like i m sure he can don see me for 3 days, but he cant skip drinking for 3 days.
i m worried. but i cant say a single thing.
i ask him to take care, don spend so much, don drink so much. my concerns all came out as words to him, meaningless, day after day, the same thing. he still drink, he still spend, he still stay out. my words are just like my mom's to me, ignored.
it hurts me.
and now that i fell sick on a long week end. i didnt even expect him to come over n lie beside me. but i expect u to keep checking if i m ok. but no, he was out drinking and perhaps too overwhelmed by the happiness that it is a long weekend. he didnt remember or notice tt i was feeling really unwell.
how would he like it, if hes very sick and i go out and party w my gfs and completely didnt care abt him. would he feel lonely and neglected like i do? i m sure its not just a girl's thing, i m sure any human will feel that way
distracted? its easy to take his mind away from me.
the thing tt can make him happier than being w me is perhaps have a good hand on cards that night, and win him some money.
he told me he was living from hand to mouth. that makes me very upset.
i tried to lessen his burden by sharing expenses together. n i will feel, why do i need to do that. the penny i save for him for go to his cards and drinking fund. but i still do it time and again because i don wan him to stress abt money. i been thru that n know tt its not a pleasant feeling.
the thing tt can make him upset, will be losing money from his cards/mahjong or simply just losing his game of pool. or when he wanted to dance he couldnt find anyone to go out w him. that could really make his mood go down the drain, and will be inconsolable.
he posted on his wall that he feels tired? he hope his system could hang. i really dunno whats causing him to be tired. maybe some constant nagging from his aunt. shortfall of money to make his party like a rockstar? or money to go for the trip w his 'buddies'.
life's tough? i dunno.
i m not trying to compare whose life is tougher, but i really think that hes always getting upset at the wrong things? not to say that there is a standard as to what kinda issues that can make pple feel unhappy. but these are unworthy things?
when i asked him last night if he could ask if i m feeling better, cos i know he was so engrossed in having fun. i could feel his defense shield against me, almost snapping at me, but suddenly remembered that i was not feeling well, so he forced himself to apologise.
he have know and seen pple ard him who have changed ever since they met the one. matthew and chester, almost totally stopped drinking to save money and spend time w their love one. they seem to be just contented to spend time w gf. and tts like their goal. even jon, i remmeber there was once when the gf was sick, he skipped a clubbing session to be with her.
but this is not him.
he will do it if i asked, but not when i didnt say anything.
this doesnt feels good.
i don even dare to share these w my gfs anymore, initially because i don wan them to see him in another way. now its more of like, i don wan pple to tell me, babe, its nt normal that he still have the mood to go out and have fun when the gf is awfully sick, my bf/husband wont.
things like that, makes me sad. i know hes not like every other man ard. hes insensitive, playful .. which is why i m always pushing myself to be understanding. like even though i m not happy abt certain things, i will let him be just so that we wont fight abt it.
but during vulnerable times like this, i really expect extra understanding and TLC that comes from him, not when i asked him for it.
it really says alot.
i know he needs time to learn to take up more responsibility, but when would it be? would all my effotrs and understanding come to naught eventually if we just decided that we wont work?
everytime this tot comes to my head i will be very afraid. i dont know what else i could do if i don wan to sacrifice my beliefs.
there will be times he come to me and say, u know baby, i tink i have a lot of tinking i need to do. like i tink i have been spending too much on drinking than i should, i want to change that.
i waited. but i see no changes. maybe its only visible to himself.
